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Over the years, I caught bits and pieces of John Milius’ 1982 movie Conan the Barbarian—starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as the big lug himself—on cable TV. But I was never tempted to watch the whole film. I finally gave in when I started writing my series on Classics of Right-Wing Cinema, and friends urged me to add Conan to my list.

I admit that a film about Robert E. Howard’s iconic hero, with visuals borrowed from Frank Frazetta, starring the future California Governator, and directed by Right-wing Jew Milius sounds like a formula for a classic of Right-wing cinema, teeming with paleo-masculine heroics and illiberal political realism. After all, Milius wrote the script for Dirty Harry, which is a genuine paleo-masculine, anti-liberal classic of Right-wing cinema.

Sadly, though, Conan the Barbarian is nothing like Dirty Harry, but it is very much like its sequel, Magnum Force, also scripted by Milius, in which the character of Harry Callahan is systematically subverted in a decidedly anti-white and politically correct manner.

The Conan movie went through more than a decade of development hell before finally moving forward with Milius at the helm. Oliver Stone had apparently written a four-hour script set in a post-apocalyptic future. Milius discarded Stone’s script entirely, even though Stone and Milius share the final screenwriting credit. Instead of setting Conan in classical antiquity, Milius sets the story in the Dark Ages, borrowing elements from the Norse and the Mongols.

Howard’s Conan is a fearsome warrior, but he is also intelligent, witty, learned, and cunning. He can read and write. He is fluent in a number of languages. He can solve problems and crack codes. These traits set him apart in a world teeming with warriors, enabling him to become a king. In short, Howard’s Conan is no mere barbarian. Milius’ Conan is strong and cunning, but otherwise he is an oaf with very few lines. It is impossible to imagine this man becoming a king, because he really is just a barbarian.

But surely Milius used some of Howard’s 21 Conan stories? No, not really. He borrowed some names and events, but the plot is his invention. This is John Milius’ Conan, not Robert E. Howard’s, which is something of a cheat if you grew up liking Howard’s Conan. Ultimately, though, Milius’ Conan has to be judged on its own merits. So permit me some spoilers.

The story opens with Conan as a child. His father is a blacksmith who explains the “riddle of steel” to his young son. Later, Conan’s village is attacked by a marauding band. Actually, they look like a marauding heavy metal band: Spinal Tap, but with real axes. It is a bit much.

The band is led by Thulsa Doom, who is played by James Earl Jones. Jones, of course, was the voice of Darth Vader, so he was an iconic choice for a villain. But Jones is a black man, who is as absurdly out of place in Conan’s world as the llama we glimpse later on in the movie. Thulsa Doom has the power to hypnotize people, which he uses on Conan’s mother, who lowers her sword, allowing Thulsa to lop off her head.

The children of the village are marched off as slaves to toil in a mill, where eventually Conan grows up to be a giant, muscular brute played by Schwarzenegger. Then Conan is sold to another master, who makes a gladiator of him. Howard’s Conan was a free man from birth and would never have acquiesced to such treatment. Of course such an origin story could be compelling if Conan overcame it, for instance by gaining his freedom through strength and character. But no, at a certain point, his master just lets a highly profitable slave go. It makes no sense and adds nothing to Conan’s rather murky character and motivations.

Conan wanders a bit, finding a sword. Then he meets a witch, who seduces him. When she begins transforming into something unsavory, he simply tosses her into the fireplace and leaves. It is genuinely funny. At that point, I wondered if this film was trying to be camp, like Mike Hodges’ 1980 Flash Gordon, which was also produced by Dino De Laurentiis.

Conan then rescues Subotai, a thief who has been imprisoned by the witch. Played by Gerry Lopez, dubbed by a Japanese actor, and named after one of Genghis Khan’s generals, Subotai is our white hero’s non-white sidekick. Because those are the rules of Hollywood: no white hero can act without a non-white sidekick.

Conan wants revenge on Thusla Doom. The witch told him that Doom can be found in the city of Zamora, so Conan and Subotai set out for there. In Zamora, they meet Valeria (Sandahl Bergman), a strong, independent female thief, because the rules of Hollywood also dictate that no white hero can be depicted without a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need him.

When Conan asks about Thulsa Doom’s snake standard, he is told of the towers of the cult of Set: “Two or three years ago, it was just another snake cult,” but now franchises are popping up in every city. At this point, I was wondering if Lorenzo Semple, Jr., of Flash Gordon and the Batman TV series had a hand in the script.

The three thieves sneak into the tower of Set, where they find one of Thulsa’s heavy metal band feeding nubile females to a giant serpent. They kill the serpent, steal some treasure, and go celebrate. Conan and Valeria become an item.

Suddenly, the trio are arrested and dragged before Osric, the king of Zamora, played by the great Max von Sydow. The fact that he played Emperor Ming in Flash Gordon reinforced the camp interpretation. But then Von Sydow does something quite unexpected. He takes a campy script and gives a riveting and passionate performance. His daughter has joined Thulsa Doom’s snake cult, and he wants to hire the thieves to bring her back.

Subotai and Valeria don’t wish to risk it. When Valeria gives her case for quitting while they are ahead, again it is well-acted and touching. It is the dramatic high-point of the film, which then lapses back into camp, spectacle, and mindless action. But for a few minutes, we get a sense of the great sword and sorcery movie Conan could have been if Milius had just played it straight, with sincerity rather than irony.

Conan wants revenge, so he heads to Thulsa Doom’s headquarters alone. Milius portrays the Doom cultists as degenerate, credulous flower children being exploited by ruthless sociopaths. Using an amusing ruse, Conan steals a priest’s costume but is caught. Doom makes a rather chilling speech about the relative powers of steel and flesh. By flesh, he really means the hypnotic power of his words over the minds of his followers, which he demonstrates by enticing one to leap to her death. This contrast between words and steel is central to the whole plot, but it also dictates a fundamental change in Conan’s character. Howard’s Conan was a master of steel (well, bronze) and words. Milius’ Conan is an inarticulate thug.

Doom orders Conan to be crucified on a tree, but Subotai rescues him. Then Subotai, Valeria, and another Asian sidekick, a wizard with an annoying voice named Akiro, use magic to bring Conan back from the brink of death. The wizard warns, however, that the magic will have a heavy toll. Valeria is willing to risk it. Akiro is played by an Asian, because a white hero cannot be aided by a wise white mentor, and Morgan Freeman was otherwise engaged. Those are the rules of Hollywood.

Once Conan is restored, the three thieves penetrate the temple, where Doom is presiding over a drugged-out orgy and cannibalistic feast. (These people are really disgusting.) Conan and Co. slay the guards and capture the princess. Doom, however, transforms into a serpent and slithers away. Later, as the thieves flee down the mountainside, Doom kills Valeria with an arrow. She interprets her death as the toll for bringing Conan back.

Conan and Subotai take the princess back to Akiro’s camp, where they prepare for the onslaught of Doom’s troops. His cult consists mostly of women and hippies, so not many men are capable of carrying steel. Using guile and brutality, Conan and friends kill off Doom’s soldiers. Doom flees back to his headquarters. Having lost his steel, he will take refuge behind the flesh of his followers.

Conan follows and confronts Doom, who tries to beguile him with his hypnotic words until Conan simply chops off his head. It has all the laconic directness of Alexander cleaving the Gordian knot. Call it the argumentum ad barbarum. It is still the swiftest way to silence liars.

Deprived of their leader, the cultists conveniently disperse, even though they could have mobbed and killed Conan. Conan then burns down their temple and returns the princess to king Osric. The End.

There are many good elements to Conan the Barbarian. Schwarzenegger looks great and moves magnificently in the action sequences, which are snappily choreographed. Bergman and Von Sydow are also good. Jones is out of place, but his voice and menacing presence are used to great effect. He’s a memorable monster.

The design of the sets, weapons, and costumes is frequently excellent, particularly when inspired by Frazetta. But these elements often stray into the realm of parody. For instance, Thorgrim’s huge hammer is ridiculous.

Basil Poledouris’ orchestral score is wonderfully old-fashioned and sometimes quite good. At its best, it brings to mind Miklós Rózsa’s glittering, barbaric music for epics like Quo Vadis, El Cid, and Ben Hur.

I understand why people on the Right like Conan the Barbarian. Conan is a paleo-masculine white hero using cunning and strength to triumph in a world that is savage but also refreshingly free of liberal cant and illusions. Thulsa Doom, with his word magic and hippy cult, is a superb image of modern liberalism: honeyed words and sentimentality on the outside, devil worship, cannibalism, and perversion at the core.

But Milius’ anachronistic casting of a black villain, plus giving the white hero Asian sidekicks, is pure Hollywood diversity propaganda. Beyond that, if you are going to make a Conan movie, why stray so far from the original character? Isn’t it fraud to call such a radically different character by the same name?

ORDER IT NOW

A Conan film that takes the character and original stories seriously could be great. How great? Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings showed us the heights that sword and sorcery films can attain when artistry and technical skill join with fidelity to the author’s vision and genuine love of the story.

Admittedly, Howard is no Tolkien. His stories are pulps, but they are classic pulps. All of them could be deepened and tightened. But even unaltered, every one of them is better than what Milius has dished up. I prefer sincere pulp to smirking camp every time. Conan the Barbarian is not a terrible film, but the character and the audience deserve much better.

 
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  1. Wow I’m glad you finally got around to reviewing CtheB! One of my favorite fantasy movies. I liked it much better than the Lotr films which simply embarrass me. I agree that the Conan of the movie is not Howard’s Conan, I actually think the early part of the story is taken from Samuel delaney’s Tales of Neveryon. Howard’s Conan was a slave in his youth however, briefly. Also milieus draws a parallel between Gangis khan and his own Conan. As you know gangis was also a captured slave for a period in his boyhood. Cf secret history of the mongols.

    I would say that, although Arnold is 36 in ctheb, the Conan portrayed is more Howard’s Conan at about the time of temple of the elephant, still a callow youth, shortly after winning his freedom. Conan grew in time and was not always the world wise Conan of the later stories! This was before the time of casting youthful stars. I would ask for a Conan truer to Howard, but you just know the sort of woke monstrosity they would produce. Tranny Conan.

    I’m surprised Trevor did not admire the nietzchean thematic material of mileus, the call to home family loyalty as opposed to odd mystery religions and debauchery. The princess falls under the spell of an odd cult. She deserts her family, but then she sees that thulsa doom would destroy her rather than lose her. She calls her father and his agent(subadai) immediately blocks the arrow.

    Also, the casting of jones I always thought points to another theme of Howard, although subtly. What is the penalty for a black who touches or abducts a white woman in Howard? Of course. So too in mileus’s film!

    • Thanks: antitermite
    • Replies: @Happy Tapir
    , @VICB3
  2. In the new Conan they made him a half black asian so the old one is better.

  3. anon[342] • Disclaimer says:

    Max von Sydow’s scene is so well acted, he steals not just that scene but a piece of the whole movie.

    Basil Petacoulis’s score is frankly better than the movie deserves. That said, IMO his finest film score was written for Quigley Down Under. I believe it is sometimes performed by symphony orchestras as a suite during pops concerts.

    Road Warrior came out in the same year as Conan. I have an impression there was not much overlap between the audiences but could be wrong. Road Warrior is frankly a more culturally conservative movie, and a story that truly cannot have a sequel, but of course the studios demanded one. That sequel-not-a-sequel is really a story all its own, and Tina Turner steals it completely.

    Thanks for this ongoing series. It is really interesting to read.

    • Replies: @TGD
    , @SunBakedSuburb
  4. El Dato says:

    Obligatory

    • Replies: @Michael Fury
  5. Rahan says:

    Excalibur is THE rightwing sword and sorcery film of that era, but Conan is actually pretty badass too. Every reasonable man tears up when Subotai appears over a hill running toward a delirious crucified Conan.

    Conan the film sums up the heavy metal rebellion against the hippie cultism and the punk nihilism–take the romanticism, but filter it through cartoonish pulp bombast. Instead of Led Zeppelin or the Sex Pistols you get Manowar and Iron Maiden. A much needed crude manic injection to overcome the 1970s.

    Another positive effect of the film is that it started a new wave of franchise books, some of which written by actually terrific writers. John M. Roberts (M for Maddox) is excellent. Leonard Carpenter also not bad at all. Even a rookie Robert Jordan learned the craft writing some damn good Conan adventures, before going on his big soap bender. The Conan franchise books were the last gasp of actually high quality sword and sorcery writers doing their thing the way it’s supposed to be done (unlike for the example the James Bond franchise writers who to a man couldn’t quite pull it off), while all around everybody else was busy churning out morbidly obese fantasy soaps with autistic magic systems and relentless soap padding.

    And about Jackson and the Lord of the Rings… I dunno. I watched it again the start of this year. Every time I re-watch it it gets worse and worse. Although many visuals are of course stunning.

    • Replies: @Morton's toes
  6. @Happy Tapir

    You know, when he says “to crush your enemies see them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women!” That most famous of lines, that’s lifted from Secret history of the Mongols. Genghis says it in similar circumstances. Only Genghis actually said “to RAPE their women,” naturally!

  7. Many problems with this review, namely due Lynch’s lack of knowledge when it comes to the source material.

    Instead of setting Conan in classical antiquity, Milius sets the story in the Dark Ages, borrowing elements from the Norse and the Mongols.

    Howard described the Hyborian Age taking place sometime after the sinking of Atlantis and before the beginning of recorded ancient history. Read Howard’s “The Hyborian Age” essay for HIS history of the world.

    “But Jones is a black man, who is as absurdly out of place in Conan’s world as the llama we glimpse later on in the movie………..But Milius’ anachronistic casting of a black villain, plus giving the white hero Asian sidekicks, is pure Hollywood diversity propaganda.”

    The Jones character was based in part on a Stygian character written by Howard. Howard’s Stygia was a stand in for Egypt. Calling anything “anachronistic” in Howard’s stories denies how Howard used his world. He had Egyptians, Africans, proto American Indians, Aztecs, Jews, Asian hordes and various White races and cultures all appear. He built a world where he could cobble together various cultures and time periods no matter how far apart they were in the real world. You have Vikings and knights alongside Elizabethan pirates.

    plus giving the white hero Asian sidekicks

    In the movie Conan had already traveled to China/Japan for training. Zamora was the Eastern most “European” nation of Howard’s world. Subotai was supposed to be a Hyrkanian. No great leap of logic to find an Hyrkanian on the steppes between Zamora and Turan.

    In Zamora, they meet Valeria (Sandahl Bergman), a strong, independent female thief, because the rules of Hollywood also dictate that no white hero can be depicted without a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need him.

    If only you had been around to advise Howard before he wrote Red Nails and Queen of the Black Coast. The name Valeria comes from the female sidekick Conan has in Red Nails (where he fights Aztecs!). Queen of the Black Coast gave us Belit the pirate queen of the Black Coast and Conan’s one true love.
    Red Nails is considered by many to be Howard’s best Conan story.

    Schwarzenegger looks great and moves magnificently in the action sequences, which are snappily choreographed.

    Among the Conan/Howard fanbase there were quite a few complaints about Schwarzenegger playing Conan. Howard’s Conan was always described as having black hair and blue eyes. It would have been a chore to make Schwarzenegger anything other than “an oaf with very few lines” because 1980 (when filming started) Schwarzenegger’s accent was very thick. The fewer lines he spoke, the better, unless you wanted to dub his voice.

  8. After all, Milius wrote the script for Dirty Harry, which is a genuine paleo-masculine, anti-liberal classic of Right-wing cinema.

    He worked on the script, but most of it was written by Harry Fink. Fink wrote the ‘5 or 6 shots’ too.

    But Milius’ anachronistic casting of a black villain, plus giving the white hero Asian sidekicks, is pure Hollywood diversity propaganda.

    More like Hollywood fantasy. Hollywood made movies for the world, and historical accuracy was always a trifle.

    This goes for movies about non-whites as well.
    One Genghis Khan movie has Omar Sharif as the Mongol… and his wife is LOL Franocois Dorleac.

    Even more hilarious is John Wayne as the Khan. From Howard Hughes.

    Of late, China is putting in white characters in movies. Like Matt Damon in THE GREAT WALL.

    As for CONAN, I suppose one could argue that a Negro might have made it up that far under the Roman Empire as the Romans did bring blacks to Europe. Or maybe he entered Europe with the Moors, a Othello-like figure.
    An Asian sidekick isn’t far-fetched IF the story is set in Russia or Eastern Europe as Tartar hordes did make it that far.
    Still, no one watches these movies for historical accuracy.

    One fine movie that did draw on real history and fused it with European lore is 13TH WARRIOR. There really was an Ibn Fadlan who wrote about the Rus Vikings.

    Come to think of it, EXCALIBUR and 13THE WARRIOR are the only movies about northern European myth/lore that I really love. TRISTAN AND ISOLDE by the talented Kevin Reynolds is also pretty good. But the rest range from just barely tolerable to insufferable.

    Milius was an okay-director and CONAN is rather clunky. It became a hit because of muscle, violence, and sex. He was no Peckinpah, Kurosawa, or Boorman.

    RED SONJA is a dumber movie but more fun. Unlike CONAN which has some pretensions, RED SONJA is pure camp.

    Roger Ebert thinks CONAN would have been endorsed by Goebbels.

    https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/conan-the-barbarian-1982

    Still, the best ‘Conan’ pic is Cecil B. DeMille’s deliriously cheesy SAMSON AND DELILAH.

  9. @Priss Factor

    Yeah yeah, the Sampson movie is where the big wheel they make him turn comes from. I noticed that.

    Note the blue eyes of the James earl jones character thulsa doom. He’s not black; he’s of alien race, preatlantian. This is fantasy, not true history of course. His eyes are blue because like the piano player. That’s cryptic.

  10. syonredux says:

    Howard’s Conan is a fearsome warrior, but he is also intelligent, witty, learned, and cunning. He can read and write. He is fluent in a number of languages.

    Indeed. REH was quite explicit on Conan’s status as a polyglot:

    In his roaming about the world the giant adventurer[Conan] had picked up a wide smattering of knowledge, particularly including the speaking and reading of many alien tongues. Many a sheltered scholar would have been astonished at the Cimmerian’s linguistic abilities, for he had experienced many adventures where knowledge of a strange language had meant the difference between life and death.

    -“Jewels of Gwahlur”

    Valeria: As others have noted, Valeria’s toughness is quite in keeping with the character upon whom she is based, the she-pirate who fights alongside Conan in the novella Red Nails. Indeed, at one point in the tale, Conan notes that “[n]o living man could disarm Valeria of the Brotherhood with his bare hands.”

    Priss Factor:Come to think of it, EXCALIBUR and 13THE WARRIOR are the only movies about northern European myth/lore that I really love.

    I’m not that big a fan of the 13th Warrior. I’d replace it with Fritz Lang’s two-part epic, Die Nibelungen. Another good one is Bergman’s The Virgin Spring.

    Wheel of Pain: I’ve always assumed that Milius got it from the scene in Pastrone’s 1914 Cabiria where Maciste is chained to an enormous millstone.

    Further recommendations: How about delving into the cycle of Westerns that Budd Boetticher made with Randolph Scott? As David Thomson notes, they “encompass treachery, cruelty, courage, and bluff with barely a trace of sentimentality or portentousness.” If only one can be singled out, I would nominate The Tall T:

    • Agree: Tex
    • Replies: @syonredux
    , @Priss Factor
  11. If the film were made in Hollyweird today, its title would likely be “Gonad the Vegetarian”, with concomitant cringeworthy script changes……..

    • Replies: @Pericles
    , @Priss Factor
  12. songbird says:

    Conan was one of the first movies that I saw on DVD. It was very amusing to see the bonus material out-takes of the scene where he is being chased by dogs: in one, the dogs catch Schwarzenegger and start biting him.

  13. syonredux says:
    @syonredux

    Just checked, and The Tall T can be viewed on AMAZON VIDEO. And there’s a so-so upload on YOUTUBE:

  14. I see nothing wrong with Conan having Asian sidekicks. Conan was supposed to be a proto-Indo-European from the wide open steppes, so his people would have come into contact with some tribes that had Mongoloid / Central Asian features..

    • Replies: @Chris Mallory
  15. Franz says:
    @Priss Factor

    Still, the best ‘Conan’ pic is Cecil B. DeMille’s deliriously cheesy SAMSON AND DELILAH.

    Must agree here: DeMille was the god of lust-in-the-dust.

    A recent bio of Cecil notes that the Big Money scene (the destruction of Dagon’s temple at the end) was state of the art technology for many years. The ground floor of the temple was full scale. DeMille used a large model for the rest. A motion-control electronic wire system kept the whole thing looking realistic; making it the great-great-granddaddy of George Lucas and Industrial Light and Magic. The people on the upper floors during the destruction sequence were small puppets, manipulated by assistants behind the set in back of Dagon. It would take another 50 years to get digits to do that.

    It all must have worked: Movies went through a post war slump, but SAMSON was a massive hit, the highest grossing film of 1949. It was shamelessly imitated for the next 20 years. None were anywhere near as much fun.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  16. @Hapalong Cassidy

    Conan was supposed to be a proto-Indo-European from the wide open steppes,

    Here is how Howard described the Cimmerians:

    North of Aquilonia, the western-most Hyborian kingdom, are the Cimmerians, ferocious savages, untamed by the invaders, but advancing rapidly because of contact with them; they are the descendants of the Atlanteans, now progressing more steadily than their old enemies the Picts, who dwell in the wilderness west of Aquilonia.

    https://www.gutenberg.org/files/42182/42182-h/42182-h.htm THE HYBORIAN AGE , Howard’s essay on the history of his world.

    Here is a copy of one of Howard’s maps with his Hyboria overlaid a map of modern Europe.
    https://swordsofreh.proboards.com/thread/291/robert-howards-hyborian-age-maps

  17. I love the movie. It is a wonderful story. What a foolish review. I don’t think our reviewer understood the film, the story in it, or much else.

  18. Was it Conan that made Arnold a well-known star or Terminator?

    • Replies: @Trinity
  19. Right_On says:

    Milius’ Conan is strong and cunning, but otherwise he is an oaf with very few lines
    Given that Arnie is speaking the lines, that could be a small mercy.
    Seeing the movie at the cinema, I remember everyone laughed when we first saw Schwarzenegger on the Wheel of Pain. You knew then, it was going to be a fun film and you could sit back, slurp the root beer and light up a Camel. (Yes kids: in those days you could smoke in cinemas.)
    I think the movie is even better now than when I first saw it. It’s a tribute to ‘toxic-masculinity’ that would leave the woke crowd aghast.

  20. I did see Schwarzenegger Conan. did not like it very much. I did like the other Conan where Conan did save the princes with special blood running away in coach. But none of those Conan’s were Black.

  21. Watchmen. Complex but ultimately right wing, and timely. Rorschach (nature) had it all along. Ozymandias (god-aspiring liberal) and Dr. Manhattan (Science!) kill him, but he has the last laugh.

  22. @Franz

    Must agree here: DeMille was the god of lust-in-the-dust.

    Of course, if we want to be highbrow, the best Conan-ish works are by Fritz Lang.

    • Replies: @Franz
  23. I have never watched the movie but I have read several of the original Conan stories, and decided that, along with Fritz Leiber’s Lankhmar series, they begged for a parody. So I started writing a series of parody stories, set in a far future world where the seas are gone, agriculture is forgotten, the last cities are decaying, and cannibalism is widely practiced. The series is about a renegade lord called Onek Mangsho*, who fled his village when called upon to be slaughtered to provide food for the people, and his two wives Opodartho and Chheechkaduni. It is called The Chronicles Of Chheechkaduni, and soon stopped being a parody and became a novel in writing (it is almost finished). It turns out that sword and sorcery stories are really fairly easy to write, especially if you don’t take yourself, your characters, and your setting seriously. It is in fact difficult to do it badly unless you deliberately want to.

    *All names in the novel are in jokes in my language. For instance, Onek Mangsho = A lot of meat. Opodartho = Incompetent (she’s the only really competent person in the novel). Chheechkaduni = Tattletale or sneak.

  24. dfordoom says: • Website
    @Chris Mallory

    The Jones character was based in part on a Stygian character written by Howard. Howard’s Stygia was a stand in for Egypt. Calling anything “anachronistic” in Howard’s stories denies how Howard used his world. He had Egyptians, Africans, proto American Indians, Aztecs, Jews, Asian hordes and various White races and cultures all appear. He built a world where he could cobble together various cultures and time periods no matter how far apart they were in the real world. You have Vikings and knights alongside Elizabethan pirates.

    Yep. The whole point of the fantasy world that Howard created was that he could include lots of different races and cultures. Trevor Lynch doesn’t appear to have any familiarity at all with the source material.

    This whole idea of trying to impose a right-wing white nationalist political agenda onto old movies is just as bad as attempts to impose a liberal agenda onto movies of the past. It’s a mistake to over-politicise everything.

    • Agree: Chris Mallory
  25. dfordoom says: • Website
    @Priss Factor

    Still, the best ‘Conan’ pic is Cecil B. DeMille’s deliriously cheesy SAMSON AND DELILAH.

    DeMille (who was famously right-wing) made some wonderfully fun historical epics. SIGN OF THE CROSS is quite outrageous, as is his 1934 CLEOPATRA. Maybe Trevor Lynch could review DeMile’s THE CRUSADES. That would be fun. But I don’t think Mr Lynch would approve of that movie.

  26. @Priss Factor

    From your Ebert link:

    “…Conan is seen as a pure fantasy, like his British cousin, Tarzan…”

    One assumes Ebert never actually read Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Tarzan books, which are cringe worthy in their racism. For instance, in Tarzan Of The Apes, Tarzan never knew his parents and was brought up by “great apes” (whatever they might be, but explicitly not gorillas); as a young adult, he begins to explore the forest after murdering the great ape leader and taking charge. He spies upon a cannibal tribe murdering and eating black people from another tribe and does nothing. However, when he sees the same cannibal tribe capture a white woman – Jane – he springs into action, because he somehow knows that she is of his race, and only people of his race are worth saving. Similarly, Burroughs’ The Moon Maid has the “great war” end with

    “… the total victory of the Anglo Saxon race over all other races of the world.”

    I could offer other examples aplenty; today’s Tarzan is a watered down bowdlerisation of Burroughs’ original crudely racist power trip of a novel series.

  27. Dumbo says:

    Memorable scenes from Conan: the killing/decapitation of his mother at the beginning as he’s a child, the sex scene with the witch, and him punching a camel.

    Other than that, a fun flick, but not the greatest movie ever.

    Having a sort of black character never bothered me (in fact, he’s not black, because, as someone said, he’s made to have blue eyes). Conan is obviously set in an alternate universe.

    I’m beginning to think that Lynch’s mission as a film critic is to always play up the racial angle to make people angry or riled up, like a right-wing version of Prog critics who also only obsess about race (and gender), but in the other direction.

    Of course, in many movies, it’s true, Hollywood loves race mixing and substituting historical white characters for black ones. But I am not sure it’s the case of Conan (perhaps the later sequels, with Grace Jones). But I am not familiar with the source material, so I give the benefit of doubt.

  28. @Chris Mallory

    Subatai describes himself as a Mongol in the film.

    James Earl Jones, according to Milius, belonged to a race that had died out.

    The film is supposed to have taken place 12,000 years ago.

    It was filmed in Spain.

    Conan was supposed to be Bronze age Celt.

    • Replies: @Chris Mallory
  29. syonredux says:
    @Chris Mallory

    The Jones character was based in part on a Stygian character written by Howard. Howard’s Stygia was a stand in for Egypt.

    Thulsa Doom is a mash-up of two different REH characters, Thulsa doom and Thoth-Amon. The name comes from Thulsa Doom, who fought against another of Howard’s heroes, Kull of Atlantis. In terms of characterization, though, he seems to be mostly derived from Thoth-Amon. Thoth-Amon is a Stygian, but he is not described as being Black. Blacks in Stygia are a despised underclass, whereas the Stygian elite (to which Thoth-Amon belongs) are dark-complected Caucasoids.

    • Replies: @Chris Mallory
  30. ROTFL.

    Karl Marx: History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E1jQYIjWYAQx84r?format=jpg&name=900×900

  31. Chris Mallory

    Appreciated your comments

  32. @Chris Mallory

    It would have been a chore to make Schwarzenegger anything other than “an oaf with very few lines” because 1980 (when filming started) Schwarzenegger’s accent was very thick. The fewer lines he spoke, the better, unless you wanted to dub his voice.

    Subotai was dubbed, so why not Conan? Because Milius wrote him as an oaf.

    Howard described the Hyborian Age taking place sometime after the sinking of Atlantis and before the beginning of recorded ancient history.

    Atlantis is a myth from classical antiquity, based largely on classical recollections of the Bronze Age, more likely the Bronze Age collapse and its early aftermath. If one were to give it a “look,” it should be Eastern late Bronze Age, using styles from the Aegean to the early Scythians.

    The Jones character was based in part on a Stygian character written by Howard. Howard’s Stygia was a stand in for Egypt.

    Jones would have been a foreigner even in Egypt.

    • Replies: @Chris Mallory
    , @dfordoom
  33. Pericles says:
    @Mustapha Mond

    It’s still somewhat more subtle than that. Just a little bit. The 2011 remake featured Jason Momoa as Conan. Mahalo, haoles!

    • Replies: @Mustapha Mond
  34. Pericles says:

    Even if it didn’t find the approval of our reviewer, Conan the Barbarian is one of my favourite movies of that era. So he’s more accomplished than the city decadents in spite of never having gone to uni? Don’t look down on barbarian vigor!

    Ah yes, now that I think of it, I wouldn’t mind putting it on tonight either.

  35. I always thought the movie was a good individualist and pro-gun take on American politics. Seen in it’s time, Conan dispersing the Doom cult has to be interpreted as Charlton “from my cold, dead hands” Heston speaking to hippies. The Manson-like character of Doom has the implication is that the Age of Aquarius is demonic and spirit-destroying at its heart.

    100% Milius goodness, like Red Dawn.

    • Agree: Chrisnonymous
    • Replies: @Traddles
  36. I have always found this campy flick to be extremely entertaining, and bereft of any political correctness.

    From that era in the 80s? the movie sort of encapsulates and exaggerates all the stereotypes still accepted at that time: A dark-skinned non-white villain played by James Earl Jones, (cult leader of an alien foreign religion worshipping snakes), a Nordic blonde love-interest that sacrificed herself to save the hero, a seemingly oriental sidekick Subotai(played by surfer Gerry Lopez, a Hispanic), and Conan himself, supposedly more of a Slavic Finnish type with his dark hair and white skin.

    To me, the music, by Basil P drove the action and made the film instantly memorable to all by multiple musical hooks.

    All the actors played up their exaggerated roles to the hilt, the oriental narrator of the movie, MaxVS as the King, the 2 Norse bodyguards, all made the movie so campy and memorable.

    This movie would be a big hit if it was re-released in China today.

    • Replies: @Jeff Stryker
    , @Resartus
  37. Malla says:

    The story opens with Conan as a child. His father is a blacksmith who explains the “riddle of steel” to his young son.

    Steel before bros, bros before hoes.

  38. Critique ridicule et inutile. Les flics tueurs de Magnum Force sont aussi ridicules. Conan est une provocation contre leur monde?

  39. Viewing Conan from 2021 I just think of it as a bit of Greek tragedy.

    What if Robert E. Howard had not committed suicide at such a young age? Would he have gone on to write a trilogy to rival Tolkien’s?

    What of Milius? It is well known that after directing films with right wing themes (including Red Dawn) that he was relegated to being a mere script doctor by Jewish Hollywood types who objected to these legitimate themes. What else could Milius have achieved?

    Still in light of all this Conan endures. Through one Schwarzenegger sequel and countless video games Howard’s creation lives on. Is it something about the inherent heroism & masculinity?

    As an addendum I would add that I actually enjoyed Jason Momoas take on the character in 2011. So many Hollywood films are fake & gay & filled with wacky scientology themes that just seeing an honest sword & sandal flick was great.

  40. Giwu-Ger says:

    Mr.Lynch is a decent reviewer but in this age of perpetual snark and irony even the better critics get caught up in nonsensical displays of signaling to their own little feuilleton. The reviewer’s insistance on minor details leads him to fail to recognise the bigger picture.

    Conan is an excellent movie, one belonging into the quintessential Aryan movie library – the White Man’s selection.

    Conan does not feature deep layers of camp. Good movies can absolutely include a few silly scenes. Generations of critics have been oversensitised so that only a very specific setup can even hope to qualify as art. Otherwise it’s kitsch, mindless, clicheed and so on.
    The plot is enormous in scope. Apart from a little comic relief we also can forgive a few wooden lines (Arnold is called the Austrian Oak for a reason;) from a script that absolutely could have had delivered better dialogues in some regards. But just like the Lynch’s critic regarding race, that misses the point of much of the story and sujet:
    The world is a savage, race-struggling place and civilisation is a cesspool of depravity and stupor. It’s not the White Man’s polite empire anymore.

    There are no good kings and leaders around to lead or unite. Sydow is clearly a desperate man and his seed being weak, bored and female is another excellent metaphor. Devious nonwhites like Jones lead a majorly White middle class astray with promises of salvation and base hedonism. A terrifyingly accurate depiction, arguably the best of the false dichotomy of christian meekness or atheistic materialism we face today.
    The White Pagan Conan bursts into this scenery, raw in every aspect except fighting, which is another word for struggle. Arnold’s mediocre (at best) acting is forgivable, his rethoric barbarism could not have been better acted by a veteran of the trade. What’s more essential whenever the scene is not physical, his own inability to look slick and cool only underlines his potential, which, given that he’s the main, everyone is compelled to notice and whose growth is the heart of the movie. So let’s take a deeper look at that:

    All of Conan’s initial reactions are instinctual, primal.
    Fighting with his teeth.
    Tossing the witch into the oven (a reference for powerful, exotic women similar to Tulsa Doom).
    Overindulging on civilisation’s buffet of revelries.
    He can fight like no other, but apart from that he lacks self control, an uncaged predator without his jungle, clearly referenced by letting him out of a literal goy cage where he was another cog to entertain the masses.

    But the riddle of steel keeps popping up. It’s Conan’s only heritage and connection to his roots. Clearly, the main villain is also intertwined in this chase although he claims to have found an answer. Mass manipulation is more powerful than a sword arm- the flesh, as he says. Tulsa Doom is so comfortable in his position that he can sacrifice an innocent young woman in front of his own followers just to make a point.
    But the riddle of steel is more than that. A empowered man can take on a legion of followers. A Conan has his mind set on beating the odds- magnificently put onto the screen by a combination of non christian prayer and a little divine intervention in form of a Germanic valkyrie. Our oldest stories feature an abundance of these interventions, because it was thought that in the end we all have little control over the outcome of our actions, however well intentioned or deftly approached.
    What we can do, however, is finding the courage to try even under the threat of death and torture (depicted here is the Pagan version of crucifiction, the oldest representation of elevating the mind through a near death experience, see Oðinn/Zalmoxis).
    Even in victory, an immensely matured Conan realises a certain emptyness in victory, like all Aryan heroes who survived their ordeal. He won’t be a new Tulsa Doom as he rebuffs the dumb princess’ utter subordination. She and others would have surely followed the cult successor being still caught in the web of mind control.
    Instead, Conan burns the trickery plant to the ground. A new beginning must be achieved without the poisoned fundament and even though the king is dead (in some versions Sydow’s death is ommited) the White woman has to be saved, a clear racial, anti “gender” and anti material metaphor.

    • Thanks: Right_On
  41. Comics are a good medium for learning to read. They’re how I learnt to read. The Conan comic books stick to the original Robert E. Howard plots. My kid is nearly reading age. Are there any other good right-of-center comics? Wish there was a Trevor Lynch for comic reviews.

    • Replies: @Catdog
    , @Jordi
  42. mcohen says:

    Great movie.The black guy turning into a snake is pretty rightist.Got to admit that “Riddick” with van diesel is the better entertainment.

  43. Sean says:

    Entertainment is not supposed to be the stuff that could actually happen in the any real world. You need a good story to start with and I believe the screenplay was written by Oliver Stone while he was coked out of his skull. Milius is a capable director, and he did an excellent job on this film, delivering on the action (a number of the actors got injured) aided by the superb music. Poldarus got the job because he was a friend of Milius I believe. Why it is that only Jews can make films that people actually want to see ? Must have something to do with their being inherent gifted with insight into human nature. I don’t think Milius was being mocking at all, this is a fantasy story with magic and the dead intervening in the flesh and blood world so it calls for suspension of belief more than most. I think it has the essence of Howard’s Conan stories which I have read all of, and in which the hero is often portrayed as rather ignorant. Furthermore, blacks and other races make several appearances as villains in Howard’s Conan stories such as Shadows in Zamboula, where they are cannibals.
    —-
    Crom! No one will remember whether our comments were good or bad, why we made them, or why we got banned No, none of that matters. But that a few trolled the many, that is important.

    • Agree: Happy Tapir, Right_On
  44. @GreatSocialist

    Gerry Lopez was Filipino, not Hispanic.

    • Replies: @Chris Mallory
  45. It is all quite silly, isn’t it? There are so many great stories from Antiquity and the Middle Ages which have not been depicted in film properly or not at all so why bother with this fantasy stuff. Where is good film on the Anabasis? What about the battle of Himera? The huge Hellenistic wars? Where is a depiction of Digenis Akritas and the Byzantine-Arab wars? The battle of Kleidion?

    • Replies: @silviosilver
  46. https://freebeacon.com/columns/hollywood-barbarian/

    Neo-Conan a Neo-Con?

    Milius’ pro-war militarism is now owned by the libby-dib glob.

  47. xyzxy says:
    @Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist

    One assumes Ebert never actually read Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Tarzan books, which are cringe worthy in their racism.

    Generally when someone criticizes another for ‘racism’ I know we have a live one on our hands.

    Cringeworthy? How was that? Burroughs certainly understood black African savagery. That much is certain. However, ERB did not hold all Africans to a low status. Depended on the tribe. In fact, ERB’s Tarzan was more antagonistic toward Germans, a race Burroughs considered just as savage and more kill-worthy than blacks (whom Tarzan generally left alone if they left him alone).

    I’d ask you your question. Have you read the books?

  48. @xyzxy

    Yes, thank you, I have read the books. Not only the Tarzan series but the Moon Maid series and the faux-Tarzan The Boy And The Lion, where said Boy is a European Prince, Prince Michael, stranded in Africa and who falls for an Arab sheikh’s daughter. Only she’s not his real daughter, but of course an adopted white girl. Meanwhile back in said European country, a fascist military dictatorship takes over, crushing a worker’s rebellion, and Michael sends a congratulatory message.

    Hell, in The Moon Maid, his protagonist Julian, you can call him Future Tarzan, is stranded inside the (hollow) Moon, and there is taken captive by a race of centaur beings. He earns their trust, but when they capture a flying Lunar woman – needless to say she is young, beautiful, and of course very explicitly white – he immediately goes off with her.

    You think Burroughs wasn’t racist? Compare his writing to, say, EV Thompson’s The Singing Spears, about King Lobengula and the European colonising effort in South Africa in the 19th century. That’s how one writes about both sides in a conflict without being racist on either side. Or, you know, read H Rider Haggard.

    • Replies: @SunBakedSuburb
    , @xyzxy
  49. Zago says:

    I saw the movie as a teenager. When friends and I left the theater we were exuberant and filled with a sense of élan. Having read all of Burroughs’s Tarzan and Martian novels, Howard was a secondary author, he never created for me the kind of immersion of Burroughs. Nevertheless, the movie holds up well, even when viewed as an adult.

    The soundtrack, the set, the action. It’s a great movie. Of course you’ll have people like Siskel and Ebert that trashed the original Blade Runner as failed movies who are incapable of that suspension of belief, one that thrills an adolescent boy to the core. In an emasculated/feminized world, Conan the Barbarian’s sword will have to do double time to cut through the morass…all the sequels were tripe.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  50. PJ London says:

    I never knew that there were two versions of Conan with Schwarzenegger as Conan. There must be, because the film I saw was unbelievably bad. The tree had more emotion and was a better actor than Arnie.
    Fantasy is fine but at least make it believable at some level. The plot was childish and totally without any rationale. The graphics were 1930, the acting from others was clear that they would rather be doing something else and whatever the score was it was equally forgettable. You hear of the soundtrack from Ben Hur, Gone with the Wind etc, Conan?
    I understand that one has to fill a column each week, but you could have reviewed Bugs Bunny, it had more impact.

  51. Marckus says:

    To each his own but no matter the analysis, the back and forth gushing from empty head critics and hype, what comes out of Hollywood is sheer tripe. Call it entertainment if you will but comparing the characters to this and that and analysing the characters of the characters is baloney.

    Frequently the writers of this rubbish are 24/7 dopers and alcoholics one step away from a new residence on the streets of LA. I would hardly compare their talents for character construction and story line to any of the great playwrights.

    Conan is yet another boom boom story with muscle bound Arnold wielding a sword instead of an M60. Like Anatoly Karlov and his sword you just know that stumping up $10 to see Arnie is a waste of money and reading AK is a triple waste of time

    Trevor’s next foray into this ludicrous area of Hollywood trash is going to be an in depth look at “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. I am sure Trevor will come up with some drivel as to the character of the lead potato oops I meant the Big Tomato. I can hardly wait for his astonishing and earth shattering write up, a nail biter to be sure.

  52. @Pericles

    There was a remake? Really? Honestly, I had no idea. Haven’t seen a movie at a theater in decades, have no TV, receive no MSM, read only very selective alternative news sources (SoTT; Sputnik; RT; etc., which still aren’t perfect sources by any means, of course.)

    People steeped in MSM and elitist propaganda sources might say I am living in an ‘information cave’, but I prefer to believe that I have left the cave, actually. Plato’s Cave, that is. As have nearly all Unzers, or we wouldn’t be here, would we? 🙂

    Thanks for the head’s up.

  53. Jiminy says:

    As for dubbing over Arnold’s voice, there was an earlier movie called “Hercules returns,” and all of the voices were dubbed over by comedians who basically said absolutely crazy stuff with totally unexpected accents. It’s on YouTube if anyone is interested.

    • Replies: @Resartus
  54. Resartus says:
    @GreatSocialist

    Subotai(played by surfer Gerry Lopez, a Hispanic)

    Hispanic or Latino…..

    Hispanic… European Blood
    Latino…. Asian Blood

    People should learn the difference…..

  55. @syonredux

    I didn’t want to confuse Lynch even more by bringing up Howard’s Kull stories.

    • Replies: @SunBakedSuburb
  56. Trinity says:
    @RJ Macready

    Terminator is Arnold’s signature role IMO and the one that made him a star. Arnold was made for that role.

  57. Trinity says:

    I see people mentioning Tarzan here. Of all the “superheroes” that is if you count Tarzan among those costume and cape wearing Jew created comic book heroes, Tarzan is the one I figure they would go after and make Black. hahaha. Perhaps we can have a Tarzan vs. Black Panther movie titled, “Kang Of The Jungle meets Kang Of Wakanda” or “Lord Of The Apes vs. Lord Of Purple Drank.”

  58. @Jeff Stryker

    Subatai describes himself as a Mongol in the film.

    Hyrkanians were Howard’s horse riding Asian hordes. Milius did name him after a Mongol general.

    James Earl Jones, according to Milius, belonged to a race that had died out.

    Quite possible since he was a “new” character that shared the name of one of REH’s characters and was a snake worshipping wizard like another of REH’s characters.

    The film is supposed to have taken place 12,000 years ago.
    Conan was supposed to be Bronze age Celt.

    12,000 years ago would be 10,000 BC in the late Stone Age. The Bronze Age did not start until roughly 3000 BC.
    Howard’s Cimmerians did later become the Celts among other modern races.
    From Howard’s The Hyborian Age:

    They came into these countries as Aryans. But there were variations among these primitive Aryans, some of which are still recognized today, others which have long been forgotten. The blond Achaians, Gauls and Britons, for instance, were descendants of pure-blooded Æsir. The Nemedians of Irish legendry were the Nemedian Æsir. The Danes were descendants of pure-blooded Vanir; the Goths—ancestors of the other Scandinavian and Germanic tribes, including the Anglo-Saxons—were descendants of a mixed race whose elements contained Vanir, Æsir and Cimmerian strains. The Gaels, ancestors of the Irish and Highland Scotch, descended from pure-blooded Cimmerian clans. The Cymric tribes of Britain were a mixed Nordic-Cimmerian race which preceded the purely Nordic Britons into the isles, and thus gave rise to a legend of Gaelic priority. The Cimbri who fought Rome were of the same blood, as well as the Gimmerai of the Assyrians and Grecians, and Gomer of the Hebrews. Other clans of the Cimmerians adventured east of the drying inland sea, and a few centuries later mixed with Hyrkanian blood, returned westward as Scythians. The original ancestors of the Gaels gave their name to modern Crimea.

    • Replies: @Jeff Stryker
  59. Resartus says:
    @Jiminy

    As for dubbing over Arnold’s voice, there was an earlier movie called “Hercules returns,” and all of the voices were dubbed over by comedians who basically said absolutely crazy stuff with totally unexpected accents.

    Early in his career, even John Wayne was dubbed over in some of the serials…..

  60. “Because those are the rules of Hollywood: no white hero can act without a non-white sidekick.”

    That is because the Hollywood Jews who created the industry have spawned a bunch of weaklings and who are not appreciative of what their forefathers saw in the country and its founding stock. The sons, grandsons and even great grandchildren of those mensch are nothing but faggots and dykes, only interested in perversion of the traditional values.

  61. TGD says:
    @anon

    Basil Petacoulis’s score…

    Some posters pay no attention to detail. The Conan score was composed by Basil Poledouris.

    • Replies: @anon
  62. @Chris Mallory

    Calling anything “anachronistic” in Howard’s stories denies how Howard used his world. He had Egyptians, Africans, proto American Indians, Aztecs, Jews, Asian hordes and various White races and cultures all appear.

    The fact that Milius puts stuff in his movie that makes it difficult to suspend disbelief is not justified by the fact that Howard puts totally different stuff in his stories that also makes it impossible to suspend disbelief.

    • Replies: @Chris Mallory
  63. Arnold was terrible as Conan, Howard’s description ( and Frazetta’s classic artwork) is far removed from the wooden Ahnold with the BS theatrical aikido sword work.Conan would have used the most direct and energy saving path to lop heads and arms off.I think CGI is the only hope for an immersive Conan rendering with artwork as good as the classic Den from Heavy Metal magazine.

  64. Traddles says:
    @Chrisnonymous

    Speaking of Charlton Heston, he was in a very good sword-and-armour movie set in the 11th century, “The War Lord.” It’s not on the epic scale of “Conan,” but is very beautifully filmed, with good battle scenes, and relatively accurate in its portrayal of medieval times for a Hollywood movie.

    • Replies: @Chrisnonymous
  65. theMann says:

    Seems to be a lot of hate for a relatively minor film.

    At least Conan has style, visually transporting the viewer into its own, admittedly brutal, universe. It manages to have real heroes and truly evil villains in a blood soaked spectacle. For that reason alone, I think the director did a pretty good job of capturing the spirit of Conan.

    Contrast this with the efforts for any of ERBs stories. Every Tarzan has been a joke, John Carter was a disaster, Land That Time Forgot barely makes it as a kids film (aside, how did Doug McClure keep getting work when he couldn’t act?) and I don’t think anybody has done Carson of Venus. Seriously, what kind of truly intergalactic jacktard does it take to butcher John Carter?

    But Conan holds up pretty well. The second one, where he gets outacted by Wilt Chamberlain, not so much. But seriously folks, if you can’t watch Conan the Barbarian and have fun, maybe dont watch film.

  66. Trinity says:

    Sorry, but calling Conan The Barbarian a “right wing movie” is a bit of a stretch to say the least. Personally I don’t think many right wingers even waste their time with comic book movies. Can’t think of many right wing types storming the theaters to see Wonder Woman or Black Panther or even flocking to see CTB back in 1982. Terminator? Yes, that was clearly more of an all inclusive and right wing movie than Conan and the Conan sequel.

    Sometimes a right wing movie can even a have a liberal hero like the Al Pacino movies, “Serpico” or “And Justice For All” where Pacino plays a Jewish attorney in the city of Baltimore. Now, a Jew attorney is probably the most unlikely of right wing heroes, even more unlikely than Shaft, shut yo mouth, but the fact that Pacino nails the bad guy who thinks he is above the law in the end appeals to righties. Those “Billy Jack” movies were definitely anti-White garbage but the very first one, “The Born Losers” would appeal to right wing types. “The Born Losers” had none of the anti-White horseshit the other “Billy Jack” movies had and Billy takes on a motorcycle gang that is terrorizing a town, raping young women, etc. It is the classic theme of one man takes matters into his own hands which always appeals to right wing types. Pacino in “Serpico” and “And Justice For All” takes on corruption against all odds. One lone cop and/or attorney going against the odds and fighting a rigged corrupt system. Man that is right wing porn.

    • Agree: GeneralRipper
    • Replies: @Feryl
  67. @Dumbo

    Grace Jones was hideous to look at, cannot act, and did nothing but glare and screech. Idiotic.

    • Replies: @Trinity
  68. Trinity says:
    @RadicalCenter

    Grace Jones was indeed hideous. Good lawd, what man in his right mind would find that attractive.

    • Replies: @Truth
  69. @Trevor Lynch

    Subotai was dubbed, so why not Conan? Because Milius wrote him as an oaf.

    Read The Frost-Giant’s Daughter or The Tower of the Elephant both featuring a young unsophisticated Conan. The movie incorporated elements of The Tower of the Elephant into it’s story. It would have been doubtful that a wet behind the ears youth from the wilds of Cimmeria would have been “witty, learned,” and Howard didn’t write him that way in those two stories.

    Why they didn’t dub Conan? Who knows?

    Atlantis is a myth from classical antiquity, based largely on classical recollections of the Bronze Age, more likely the Bronze Age collapse and its early aftermath. If one were to give it a “look,” it should be Eastern late Bronze Age, using styles from the Aegean to the early Scythians.

    Jones would have been a foreigner even in Egypt.

    Again, you do not understand the source material. Howard’s Hyborian Age took place 1000’s of years before the Bronze Age. He created a world that mixed cultures, races, and time periods. He had Colonial American frontier, Rome, Medieval France, the Vikings, Egypt, various Middle Eastern cultures, China, the Ottoman Empire and other cultures all in his world. Each culture had the look Howard wanted. It was not history, it was a fantasy world that Howard could use as a sandbox to tell stories. Howard might have wanted to write a story set on the Steppes of Eastern Europe/Russia, but the pulp magazine editors wanted a Conan story, so Howard wrote a Conan story in the setting he wanted.

    The Jones character was a foreigner, he morphed into a snake at one point. Thinking on it, he might have been one of Howard’s Serpent Men from the Kull stories. Though Howard never used the Serpent Men in any of his Conan stories, several later authors did use them in their Conan stories.

  70. @Trevor Lynch

    Again you do not understand the source material or why Howard wrote the way he did.

    • Agree: dfordoom
  71. @Agathoklis

    Where is good film on the Anabasis?

    The Warriors, 1979.

    • Replies: @Agathoklis
  72. anon[357] • Disclaimer says:
    @TGD

    Some posters pay no attention to detail

    True. Also typo and other errors happen.

    Poledouris was a gifted composer.

  73. @Chris Mallory

    “Howard’s Kull stories”

    Howard created Kull of Atlantis before Conan appeared in the pages of Weird Tales. Two Kull stories, The Shadow Kingdom and The Mirrors of Tuzun Thune, are among Howard’s best.

    • Agree: Chris Mallory
  74. @Jeff Stryker

    You do remember that the Spanish ruled the Philippines for over 300 years and were well known for mixing with the native populations?

    But that doesn’t apply to Lopez who was born in Hawaii with Japanese, German, and Spanish ancestors.

    You must love being wrong, Jeff. You do it so often.

  75. @Chris Mallory

    In the film, Jerry Lopez (A Filipino) says “Subatai. Mongol”.

    The narrator says “after the oceans drank Atlantis”.

    Anyhow, the film was hot in Spain with hammy Hollywood actors (Nobody mentioned that Eastwood’s nemesis in ANY WHICH WAY is Conan’s father).

    And the film was shot in Spain entirely…we don’t have any idea where this is supposed to be although Conan’s village appears to be at a higher latitude.

  76. songbird says:

    Lots of sword and sorcery b-movies that the first Conan stands head and shoulders above. What it does well, IMO, is capture the essential fierceness of prehistory (even if it is fantasy setting.) At least at times, it makes you feel like you are witnessing the Yamnaya’s conquest.

    Many people have criticized the second film for the way the violence seemed to be toned down and the sorcery angle was played up. As I recall, it still had instances of significant violence, like kidney-stabbing, but somehow it was missing that essential pre-historic fierceness that made the original stand out from other films. And of course, it felt much more like black worship, with Grace Jones and to a lesser extent Wilt Chamberlain.

    Maybe, the feeling that the first imbued had something to do with the musical score? The Middle Ages were pretty violent, but I still felt Verhoeven’s Flesh and Blood was an exploitation film. It had less of a spiritual appeal.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  77. @Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist

    “You think Burroughs wasn’t racist?”

    Give it a rest, harpy. Burroughs, Howard, and Lovecraft were men of their times; and the cultural contributions they made continue to enthrall and influence contemporary writers. Why don’t you focus your SJW ire on present day racist writers like Ibram X. Kendi, an authoritarian dullard paid handsomely to spew hate and division. Kendi will be an embarrassing memory whilst the works of Howard and Lovecraft continue their trail through the culture.

  78. Resartus says:

    Howard never used the Serpent Men in any of his Conan stories, several later authors did use them in their Conan stories.

    Pretty much Hollywood meme, that “Kull the Conquerer” was the 3rd Conan movie….

    Personally, it seems like “Krull” was the movie that Oliver Stone was writing…..

  79. Truth says:
    @Trinity

    what man in his right mind would find that attractive.

    …This one:

    https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/bill-nye-vs-dolph-lundgren/

    • Replies: @Trinity
    , @Ray P
  80. The author disses Schwarzeneggar’s CTB for having non-white characters, not for having non-white and female characters stereotyped into patronizing roles.

    Wokists at least pretend to care about other people…

    This old film is the classic tale of high adventure, drawn from REH’s Hyborean multi-racial, multicultural world.

    Howard wrote good female characters, who had more dimensions than just ‘strong’. Some of his non-white characters were tainted with the ‘whiteness’ stereotypes of the era, but weren’t backed by malice.

    Milnius… well, possibly he used the Conan name to express his own Ashkenazi/Khazarist fantasies of ancestry the way Howard envisioned for himself a heroic Celtic/Cimmerian ancestry.

    There seems to be some tension in the Jewish community over neo-Khazarism versus neo-Israelism / Zionism, and the Israelists must have won because the Swarzeneggar Conan franchise was immediately nerfed big-time.

    Another bug some people have about Conan is oddly taboo subject about any possibility of prehistoric high civilizations. The Hyborean Age is not the Dark Ages but part of a mythological history of cataclysmic civilizational resets, occuring between the fall of Atlantis and rise of Modern History.

  81. VICB3 says:
    @Happy Tapir

    Random thoughts:

    -The film would have looked much better and simply more elegant if instead they had employed illustrator Barry Windsor Smith (of the Marvel Conan comic book fame https://duckduckgo.com/?q=BARRY+WINDSOR+SMITH&t=ffab&ia=web) instead of Ron Cobb ( https://duckduckgo.com/?q=ron+cobb+artist&t=ffab&ia=web) for production design. As it was, the look was way too “Mighty Thews Hack and Slobber Sword Stuff” clunky for my taste. Kiss without the makeup. It wasn’t even Frank Frazetta, who’s beautiful covers with their swirling colors and dynamic layout really sold the paperback books. (https://duckduckgo.com/?q=FRANK+FRAZETTA+CONAN&t=ffab&iax=images&ia=images)

    -For that matter, they should have just lifted the plotlines and storyboards from the comics, that in turn lifted from the short stories, instead of cobbling together something from whole cloth. Meaning you could have had a mash-up of Rogues in the House, God in the Bowl, Tower of the Elephant, and a little Red Nails thrown in for good measure. (Classic scene would have been where outnumbered, surrounded and bleeding, backed up against a wall, Conan says “Who dies first?” How can you not love that?)

    -Actually, Conan was captured and enslaved at one point. He escaped.

    -In the stories, with a few exceptions, the Blacks were mostly cannibals with filed teeth. Should have kept that, except the NAACP would doubtless have screamed. Just the same….

    -Sandahl Bergman was well cast – bad-ass and fuckable – though it was obvious that they were trying for a Red Sonja but didn’t really let it happen.

    -It was the hyperborean age, aprox. 25,000 years ago, and after the fall of Atlantis. Unbeknownst to him, Conan is a descendant of King Kull of Atlantis. And the stories were never Bronze Age anything. It was always steel.

    -In the stories, Thulsa Doom was a minor character. Should have just left him alone.

    -With the advent of episodic cable TV, i.e. no worrying about age ratings or advertisers, it would be interesting to see a Conan series that followed the stories exactly and with full and nuanced character development. It’s easy to dismiss the stories as pulp. They are in fact very well written and plotted, oftentimes really mysteries in disguise, and they keep you coming back for more because you cared about the characters, always a good sign.

    -With a new series, in order to get away from the whole PC/Woke mindset as well as plain laziness* that infests most productions, have it produced/filmed in Russia. I watch a lot of Russian historical dramas. Their costuming, set design, and overall production quality is always excellent. Watch a few on Amazon and you’ll see what I mean.

    Just a thought.

    VicB3

    *I once heard a senior production person refer to the series as “futuristic,” thus letting me know straight away that they’d never read one damned story.

    • Replies: @Catdog
  82. The Conan movie was Okay. The sets looked low budget. Arnold Schwarzenegger was over the top muscular and was I think a repeat Mr Olympia many times.

    A better movie might be “Fire and Ice”. This was an animated film by Bakshi and animation pictures by Frank Frazetta.

    https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085542/

    “From their stronghold in Icepeak, the evil Queen Juliana (Eileen O’Neill) and her son, Nekron (Stephen Mendel), send forth a wave of glaciers, forcing humanity to retreat south towards the equator.”

    White Nationalists might find this film to be explicitly Pro-White.

    You can probably find this on Youtube.

  83. @Rahan

    The Conan franchise books were the last gasp of actually high quality sword and sorcery writers doing their thing the way it’s supposed to be done (unlike for the example the James Bond franchise writers who to a man couldn’t quite pull it off), while all around everybody else was busy churning out morbidly obese fantasy soaps with autistic magic systems and relentless soap padding.

    Great comment but I gotta tell you I lol’d at this part!

    • LOL: Rahan
  84. Trinity says:
    @Truth

    That was all for show, dude. Lundgren was her bodyguard IF I am not mistaken and linking Jones and Lundgren romantically was probably just Jew horseshit. Hey, just because Lundgren is good looking and well built doesn’t mean he isn’t a retard despite his ALLEGED HIGH IQ. Lots of girls and boys with ALLEGED HIGH IQs are retards.

    Think of all those hawties back then that Dolph could have had in the Studio 54 era? Even in the 1970s I am taking a middle aged Angie Dickinson over that “thang” that Lundgren is holding up. Joey Heatherton, Ann-Margret, a middle aged Raquel Welch, even small boobies Farah Fawcett. Hell, dude, if you put a gun to my head, I would and said I had to bed down a Black lady and I had to pick Grace Jones or Diahann Carrol, guess who I choose. Lundgren must or had to have sugar in his tank to go to bed with someone like Jones.

    • Replies: @Truth
  85. Truth says:

    Good work bro. Not an alpha honkee movie though, too many “others” in leads.

    Maybe you should try Gigli?

    • Replies: @europeasant
  86. Read 2 paragrapghs, gave up. I read every Conan book available through the 70’s. They were entertaining, colourful and absent of the political and social correctness of today. Loved them, enjoyed them and it was a world of fantasy. So what if they no longer conform. In fact, I will try to download a PDF of a few novels. At least they will be fantasy enjoyed again rather than the fantasy of the holocaust and its subsequent irreparable world destruction.

  87. Gryphon says:

    The Movie “Looked” good, in a visual sense, but the Storyline was a Hash-Up of several of Robert Howard’s Stories. I had read them All in 5th or 6th Grade, and found them Fascinating, even moreso that Edgar Rice Burrough’s stuff. The Movie was a Disappointment., Except for “Valeria” , who had a distinct Resemblance to a Dancer at the Bar i hung out at…

  88. Truth says:
    @Trinity

    That was all for show, dude. Lundgren was her bodyguard IF I am not mistaken and linking Jones and Lundgren romantically was probably just Jew horseshit.

    Was it “all for show” or was it “probably” whatever?

    I was not in these two weirdo’s bedroom, I don’t know if it was arranged or real, what I do know is that Lundgren went along with it.

  89. Anonymous[346] • Disclaimer says:
    @xyzxy

    Generally when someone criticizes another for ‘racism’ I know we have a live one on our hands.

    True. Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist – as the name implies – is a mystery-meat interloper who really, REALLY, wants us to believe that his existence in our lands amounts to more than sucking the welfare checks, There’s even an “or else” threat there somewhere, if I’m not mistaken.

    LOL!

  90. Catdog says:
    @TelfoedJohn

    I’ve been reading the 1983 Elric comic. It’s pretty good. I’ve never read the source material for comparison.

    • Replies: @Pericles
  91. A horror film in modern day WokeLand would be one where only straight whites are cast, and LGBTIQPWXYZ and Global Homo Command are portrayed as mutant zombies and evil overlords, turning straight whites into blood sucking vampire zombies as straight white exterminate every Global Homo mutant in the universe.
    What theater would play this? What streaming service would stream it? What Film Actors Guild union would authorize its production and distribution?

  92. xyzxy says:
    @Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist

    You think Burroughs wasn’t racist?

    Well, Tarzan, certainly hated Germans. And the Germans treated the natives badly. Once a Hun crucified his good friend, a black Waziri warrior. It made the ape-man so angry he tracked the hapless Kraut down and fed him to a lion. So, yeah, I guess he was racist against white Germans. You got me there.

    • Replies: @songbird
  93. Catdog says:
    @VICB3

    -With the advent of episodic cable TV, i.e. no worrying about age ratings or advertisers, it would be interesting to see a Conan series that followed the stories exactly and with full and nuanced character development.

    It doesn’t have to be just Conan. A sword-and-sorcery themed show with different plots, characters and settings every episode, like Twilight Zone, would be great. Sword and Sorcery stories are usually short and low-stakes and the 90 minute format doesn’t suit them.

    If only there were right-wingers capable of making shows.

    • Replies: @SunBakedSuburb
    , @TheMoon
  94. Catdog says:

    Unfortunately I think this is the worst review Lynch has ever done. CTB is certainly flawed in some ways, but you can’t credibly criticize its supposed lack of adherence to the source material when you are clearly so unfamiliar with it yourself.

    Conan had many temporary sidekicks in the stories, but I can’t off the top think of any white males. That’s not a problem to me- Conan is the stranger in their lands.

    There were lots of sword and sorcery movies in the 1980s and I’ve watched most of them. CTB is one of the best. I would rank Dragon Slayer and Excalibur higher.

    • Agree: Chris Mallory
  95. @Dumbo

    Of course, in many movies, it’s true, Hollywood loves race mixing and substituting historical white characters for black ones. But I am not sure it’s the case of Conan (perhaps the later sequels, with Grace Jones).

    For the most part, there wasn’t much race-mixing in Hollywood movies, less so in European movies.

    It really began with Spike Lee’s JUNGLE FEVER that started a trend and with madonna’s antics and rise of rap music. Prior to that, interracial thing was the exception than the rule. You hardly saw it in ads or movies. And most interracial thing was white guy with some exotic Other.

    I used to work in a specialty video store that rented everything, from foreign to indie to classic hollywood to fetish porn and etc. There was hardly any interracial in porn until the mid 90s. And then it took off, and now it’s all over from kiddie stuff to adult stuff.

    Btw, CONAN THE DESTROYER, though plenty stupid, works better than the first movie because it has faster pacing and better editing. Milius’s movie is clunky and drags.

    Also, it was with the rise of PC that commercialism became ideologized. Kiddie stuff used to be generic kiddie stuff, commercials were just crass, and most of entertainment was just vapid.
    Hollywood always made propaganda but as propaganda or as ‘serious message’ movies or TV shows like ROOTS or THE HOLOCAUST.

    But with the rise of boomer PC, the Godardian prophecy of ‘Marx and Coca-Cola’ came to fruition. When I was a child, Archie comics were just goofy fun.
    But of late, there was one where Archie takes a bullet to protect a homo politician from a killer.
    Burger King ads promote ass-buggery. Car commercials are about ACOWW or Afro-Colonization-of-White-Wombs.

    • Replies: @Trinity
    , @Pericles
  96. @songbird

    Lots of sword and sorcery b-movies that the first Conan stands head and shoulders above.

    To me, sword and sorcery is like drinking and driving. Bad combo… with the exception of EXCALIBUR where the sorcery was made mysterious and tantalizing. In most S&S movies, the magic is just stupid-fantastic, like in LOTR movies.

    I prefer sword without sorcery.

    Ridley’s Scott’s THE DUELLISTS over the terrible S&S LEGEND.
    The Zatoichi movies and some other samurai stuff.
    13TH WARRIOR.
    THE VIKINGS.
    300 SPARTANS.

    In most S&S, the sorcery part weakens the sword part. It seems like the good guys are cheating with the magic. In EXCALIBUR it’s different because the sword doesn’t countenance evil. It is a spiritual guide than fantasy projection of power. The great scene when sword of power somehow compels Sam ‘Uryens’ Peckinpah to yield to John ‘Arthur’ Boorman. MACBETH is sort of EXCALIBUR-like.

    Otherwise, gimme the sword and hold the sorcery.

    [MORE]

    and one of the absolute best, EL CID.

    • Replies: @songbird
    , @silviosilver
  97. songbird says:
    @xyzxy

    I interpret Burrough’s Beyond Thirty to be antiracist because it has a black civilization conquering Europe even if it is savage by our standards and ultimately superseded by a Chinese one.

  98. Anonymous[336] • Disclaimer says:
    @Priss Factor

    Genghis Khan was white. Whiter than John Wayne, in fact.

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5023095/

    Although many regard the portrait at the National Palace Museum in Taipei, Taiwan, as the depiction most closely resembles Genghis Khan, all existing portraits, including this one, are essentially arbitrary interpretations of Genghis Khan’s appearance by historians living generations after Genghis Khan’s era [2, 6]. Although the factual nature of the statement is controversial, Persian historian Rashid-al-Din reported in his “Jami’s al-tawarikh” written at the start of the 14th century that most Borjigin ancestors of Genghis Khan were tall, long-bearded, red-haired, and bluish green-eyed, suggesting that the Genghis Khan’s male lineage had some Caucasoid-specific genetic features [44]. He also said that Genghis Khan looked just like his ancestors, but Kublai Khan, his grandson, did not inherit his ancestor’s red hair, implying that the addition of Mongoloid-specific alleles for determining hair color to the genetic makeup of Genghis Khan’s Borjigin clan was probably from the grandmother or mother of Kublai Khan, that is, the wife or daughter-in-law of Genghis Khan.

    A lot of Mongols were blue eyed and red haired, or blond. Unlike white Americans.

  99. @Zago

    I saw the movie as a teenager. When friends and I left the theater we were exuberant and filled with a sense of élan.

    It was more violent and sexual than most movies of the kind.

    It was one of those odd movies, aimed at teenagers but rated-R. Same with the animated HEAVY METAL that is even bigger into interracial stuff, exceptional at the time.

    It may have been the first mainstream muscle-man movie. Most muscle-man movies were made in Italy in the 50s with low-budget and were shown as double-bills in drive-ins. They lacked prestige.
    In contrast, CONAN was a big deal and it made Schwarznegger a big star. If not for CONAN(and TERMINATOR), Schwarz would likely have remained just a body building celebrity.

    Around the same time, professional wrestling became mainstream as well, and figures like Hulk Hogan become superstars. (His movie, NO HOLDS BARRED, is terrible, but has one absolutely great scene where some rich promoter-guys calls him a ‘jock-ass’.)

    Just when the blue-collar working class was losing out, there was the rise of neo-barbarianism on the big screen(as escapist fantasy perhaps?).
    Rocky increasingly got bulked up and even turned into Rambo, and Schwarz and Stallone dominated 80s action cinema. It was muscle over mind, so different from style-centrism of 007 and the skill-centrism of characters played by Steve McQueen(called ‘doc’ in THE GETAWAY). With Eastwood, it was the equipment, usually magnum 44. But Rambo and Conan were so muscled that one could believe blades and bullet just bounced off their chests.
    Overall, this was a bad movie trend as action movies emphasized heavy mindless violence over wit, style, and story. Things really got bad with garbage like COBRA. And Schwaznegger cranked out a whole bunch of idiot movies like COMMANDO and RAW DEAL.

    ROBOCOP was also a variation of the muscle-head movie. It was metal-head. All bulk and no brains(though some pretend it’s satire; actually the remake is much better and is genuine pop satire).

    Muscle-headism even infected non-muscle movies like the LETHAL WEAPON stuff. 80s action movies got so dumb that it even made second-rate 70s action movies seem like masterpieces. THE MECHANIC isn’t much but light years better than Bronson movies of the 80s. TO LIVE AND DIE IN LA, the finest action movie of the decade, wasn’t a commercial success.

    Things begin to really change with BOURNE movies that brought back some wit. But then, the spandex movies took over and turned everything video-gay-me.

    Btw, the best Aryan archetype was Rutger Hauer in BLADE RUNNER. Schwarz could be fun but was always cartoonish, though to great effect in THE TERMINATOR, his only great movie.
    Hauer has to be one of the most wasted actors in Hollywood. He had both looks and talent but, with a few exceptions, was wasted in dumb movies. He was in Sam Peckinpah’s terrific last film THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND, but it was hated by critics and bombed in theaters.

    Still haven’t seen LADYHAWKE, but then I don’t wanna see Ferris Bueller does Excalibur.

    • Replies: @Brown Jenkin
    , @Happy Tapir
  100. Trinity says:
    @Priss Factor

    Didn’t the swirl begin with “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?”

    I think Hymiewood has a new movie with Samuel Jackoffson playing the husband or lover of Salma Hayek. Now, IF I was to swirl, I would do it with someone like a PRIME Hayek. Hayek is Lebanese and Mexican I think or someone like Linda Ronstadt who is German and Mexican.

    The swirl is dead, long live the dry look by Gillette. Only swirl I want is mixing pumpernickel with rye.

    Cue: Skin Tight by The Ohio Players, playa. You a bad missus in those skin tight britches, runnin’ folks in the ditches.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  101. @Traddles

    I liked El Cid too.

    • Agree: Traddles
    • Replies: @Right_On
    , @Chrisnonymous
  102. @Priss Factor

    It was one of those odd movies, aimed at teenagers but rated-R. Same with the animated HEAVY METAL that is even bigger into interracial stuff, exceptional at the time.

    There was no interracial element to Heavy Metal, unless you count the extra-terrestrials and robots.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  103. @Trinity

    GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER was a social message movie with hardly any sexual content, and it didn’t kickstart a trend. Judith Crist attacked it as liberal fantasy.

    There was a brief period of some interracial stuff with 100 RIFLES, SHAFT MOVIES, and MANDINGO in the first half of the 70s, but there were the exceptions and had limited audience appeal. When SHAFT aired on TV, it took out the interracial stuff.

    Also, it was often the case that a black woman was paired with a white man, like the couple in THE JEFFERSONS who get called ‘zebra’ by George. Or, Fred’s sister with a white man.

    I guess Mormons are behind the times in white guy and black woman jokes.

  104. @silviosilver

    Actually, the Greek adventure movie, Descent of the Nine (1984) is partially based on the Anabasis. It shows communist guerrillas fleeing their hideout on Mt Taygetus in the Peloponnese towards the coast but they eventually get wiped out by the Greek National Army and villagers. The movie is passable but the book by the great , Thanassis Valtinos is much better.

    Here is the whole movie but no English subtitles for non-Hellenes:

    https://m.youtube.com › watchΗ κάθοδος των εννιά – YouTube

    Valtinos’s best book is about Andreas Kordopatis which depicts a Greek villager trying to migrate to the US which has references to Odyssey. He depicts the anti-hero without any sentimentality or moralising. I don’t think there is an English translation yet.

  105. @Priss Factor

    Lady hawk is pretty good, saw it recently. I don’t see how you could call terminator greater than Conan. Term is a great sci-fi flick, but in essence it’s only a monster movie, whereas Conan conveys depth of humanity and soul and wrestles with philosophic truths.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  106. @Brown Jenkin

    There was no interracial element to Heavy Metal, unless you count the extra-terrestrials and robots.

    A green rock turns John Candy into a Negro.

  107. @Priss Factor

    Do you like Heavy metal the movie Priss? it’s one of my favorites! I thiiink you would like ladyhawke, based on your taste.

  108. @Priss Factor

    I believe that the character was meant to be tanned rather than Negroid, at least he was clearly Caucasian in the Richard Corben comics.

    All the same, I will be sure to avoid contact with any glowing green rocks I may come across.

  109. Jeez Trevor I bet you’re fun at parties. Did you dislike Verhoeven’s Starship Troopers for not adhering to the lousy book by a libertardian pervert? I like Howard’s books, despite his being a suicidal mama’s boy, but they’re unfilmable.

    You missed out on the absolutely most important fact about Conan; it’s not that they cast a coffee colored guy as the villain, or an inarticulate plank of sterons infused wood in the lead role: it’s that it is a scene for scene rip off of Alexander Nevsky. Poledouris even cribbed Prokofiev for the score. Even Thulsa Doom’s freaking hat is taken from Alexander Nevsky.

  110. Ktulu says:

    This was my exact same reactiom when I watched it. So much potential wasted because of hollywood and jews ruining everything, again. I wonder if Russian or Chinese movies will ever get English subtitles.

    • Replies: @Resartus
  111. dfordoom says: • Website
    @Dumbo

    I’m beginning to think that Lynch’s mission as a film critic is to always play up the racial angle to make people angry or riled up, like a right-wing version of Prog critics who also only obsess about race (and gender), but in the other direction.

    Yep. And like those Prog critics he doesn’t seem to have any actual interest in movies or any understanding of movies. Like those Prog critics his only interest is in grinding his political axe.

    Also like those Prog critics he seems to make up his mind about a movie before he’s actually seen it. He then twists everything in the movie to try to make it fit his preconceived notions.

    • Disagree: utu
    • Replies: @utu
    , @Anonymous
    , @Priss Factor
  112. dfordoom says: • Website
    @Trevor Lynch

    Howard described the Hyborian Age taking place sometime after the sinking of Atlantis and before the beginning of recorded ancient history.

    Atlantis is a myth from classical antiquity, based largely on classical recollections of the Bronze Age, more likely the Bronze Age collapse and its early aftermath. If one were to give it a “look,” it should be Eastern late Bronze Age, using styles from the Aegean to the early Scythians.

    Howard was writing fantasy, not history. Howard’s stories take place in an entirely mythical world. When a writer makes up a fantasy world he can make that world work (and look) however he wants. He doesn’t have to please humourless pedants.

    It’s called writing fiction.

    Have you actually read Howard’s stories?

    • Agree: Chris Mallory
    • Replies: @Truth
  113. >Conan wanders a bit, finding a sword.

    That’s all your going to say about that amazing scene?

    >Basil Poledouris’ orchestral score is wonderfully old-fashioned and sometimes quite good.

    It’s actually one of the best movie soundtracks of all time.

    Conan the Barbarian deserves a far better review and analysis than this one, sadly.

    • Agree: Happy Tapir
  114. Trinity says:

    Didn’t Charlton Heston have a Black chick in that movie, The Omega Man? Good ole Charlie boy was either battling apes in The Planet Of The Apes or kissing Black chicks sporting an afro back in the day.

    Cue: Brother Louie by Stories

  115. Trinity says:

    I hate the swirl so much that I have banned Neapolitan ice cream from my freezer. I absolutely love black walnut ice cream and black cherry yogurt though. So that just proves that I am not a wayciss.

  116. Ray P says:
    @Truth

    In the 007 flick A View to a Kill (1986) Grace has both Christopher Walken and Sir Roger Moore bedding her. Dolph Lundgren was in the film too.

    • Replies: @Joe Paluka
    , @Truth
  117. Whenever I’ve seen Schwartzenegger in any of his Conan movies, I can’t sit through them, they’re so gay they’re revolting. All the oiled up muscles, gay fetish costumes, plus bad acting and writing. They’re as bad as the Xena Princess Warrior series with the only difference being the attractive women, which make them tolerable for at least 15 minutes. Schwarzenegger was better in comedy like the movie Twins, where he was teamed with Danny Devito.

    • Agree: GeneralRipper
    • Replies: @Priss Factor
    , @Right_On
  118. @Jeff Stryker

    Jerry Lopez (A Filipino)

    Lopez was born in Hawaii of Japanese, German and Spanish ancestry. And his name is “Gerry” not “Jerry”.

    “after the oceans drank Atlantis”.

    Correct and in Howard’s world that happened at least 10,000 years before the Bronze Age.

    What does filming in Spain have to do with anything?

  119. @Catdog

    Conan had a White sidekick in the character Balthus, in Beyond the Black River.

  120. THE ATLANTEAN SWORD

    Who set loose dogs on you in the waste

    that was your home and judged you broken?

    Who stirred the hordes of enemies you faced

    When you despaired that hell had spoken?

    When you ran and fell in a hole to hide

    Your ultimate shame, who made your grave?

    Think hard. Where did you lose your pride?

    You say it never was yours? Look, slave!

    Here! Among these stones that were foundation,

    Here still in this giant ancestral hand,

    This rune-written blade that mirrors the sun,

    Hammered and tempered by men of your land.

    Feel its grip and heft, recite its story:

    A race of men just, ingenious and bold

    Who strode the earth and were not sorry,

    Proud free men who would never be sold

    Or dishonor themselves stood fast and strove

    For you–and here you are, their rightful heir,

    On your knees. Get up and stand in love!

    Even now in this dark, you can only dare.

    Feel the legend in your hands. To fabricate

    excuses not to wield its righteous weight

    Is cowardice and God will damn it.

    This legacy of steel is yours. Claim it.

    • Thanks: Happy Tapir
  121. @Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist

    “One assumes Ebert never actually read Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Tarzan books, which are cringe worthy in their racism. ”

    What’s wrong with standing up for your own race and liking them more than any other? The Tarzan books were written for strong white men with unwavering pride in themselves and their race. They weren’t written for self-hating, white soy boys who go through life apologizing for their existence.

    Ebert was one of these and married a negress.

    • Agree: silviosilver
  122. @Ray P

    Grace Jones was about as attractive as Mr. T. and the fact that C.W. and R.M. they did those scenes shows that most actors and actors will do anything for money.

    • Replies: @Truth
  123. Resartus says:
    @Ktulu

    I wonder if Russian or Chinese movies will ever get English subtitles.

    Plenty of Chinese Martial Arts movies have been Dubbed or Subtitles…..

  124. AceDeuce says:

    Conan’s dad in the film was portrayed by the immortal William Smith, who is still around. His film and TV career has spanned 80 years plus.

    • Replies: @Trinity
  125. utu says:
    @dfordoom

    I both disagree and agree with you. Superficial reading of movies and looking for particular angles like who is gay is done everywhere all the time. Why not having an angle of race as well? Also looking at circumstantial backgrounds like writer’s or director’s views and biases is OK. Actually watching a movie or a piece of art just by pure immersion w/o having extraneous connotations popping in one’s mind is infantile and autistic. But going the other way can be overdone and kill any joy of watching a movie.

  126. songbird says:
    @Priss Factor

    I agree – it is hard to do magic right. True really of anything supernatural – the difficulty is in creating the constraints. One strength that Excalibur had was that it could partly rely on pre-existing mythology. For instance, Pendragon’s powerful lust seems to go well with magic, especially when you consider the Faustian deal he makes with Merlin. I also loved the accents. Though in my view, the film did have weaknesses, such as Arthur acting very cucked.

    I enjoy seeing a good swordfight – there is nothing that has the same choreographic potential, particularly within the conventions of Hollywood. Still, I do sometimes feel swords are overdone, compared to other weapons and fighting techniques. I wish there was a little more variety, even within Eastern cinema, which probably goes heavier into swords, since they don’t go into guns as much as us and the past is a safe political period.

  127. If you want “right wing” American films, Walter Hill is the man.

    • Replies: @RJ Macready
  128. Franz says:
    @Priss Factor

    Cecil was close to the opposite of highbrow. I always liked it that George MacDonald Frasier took it as an insult when the critics slammed “The Ten Commandments” in 1956.

    But it was awfully hard not to jerk Cecil around for that one. It’s full of howlers. When the Egyptian servant Memnet finds the princess hauling a basket out of the river, she asks

    “What do you have there, Princess?”

    “The answer to my prayers!”

    “You prayed for a basket?”

    All over the country people got laughs out of that movie. The age of the fun epic is long gone.

  129. Trinity says:
    @AceDeuce

    Loved William Smith in “Rich Man Poor Man,” and also as the biker, “Moon,” in that drive-in classic and late night movie, “CC & Company” with Joe Namath and Ann Margret. Until I first saw “rassler” Superstar Billy Graham, who trained with Arnold and was much stronger than Arnold, I thought Smith’s arms were some of the largest muscular arms I had ever seen. Smith speaks Russian fluently, was a Korean war vet, did just about everything. Very interesting fellow. I would much rather have a sit down and talk with William Smith than Arnold. Arnold seems like a prick.

    Cue: CC Rider by Elvis or whichever other version you prefer.

    • Agree: AceDeuce
  130. @El Dato

    The immortal Basil Poledouris.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  131. Truth says:
    @dfordoom

    It doesn’t work like that, famous sci-fi writers are writing stories at least somewhat based upon truth that are given to them by fallen angels.

  132. Truth says:
    @Joe Paluka

    It doesn’t seem that she has been alone much…

    https://www.whosdatedwho.com/dating/grace-jones

    • Replies: @Joe Paluka
  133. @songbird

    One of the best film swordfights IMO.

    • Agree: songbird
    • Replies: @anon
    , @Priss Factor
  134. @Jeff Stryker

    In the film, Jerry Lopez (A Filipino) says “Subatai. Mongol”.

    No he didn’t. The quote from the movie:

    Subotai: [jumps to his feet] I am Subotai! Thief and archer! I am Hyrkanian… the great order of Kerlait!

  135. @Joe Paluka

    Whenever I’ve seen Schwartzenegger in any of his Conan movies, I can’t sit through them, they’re so gay they’re revolting.

    Without Schwarzenegger, what is CONAN? Not much. It certainly doesn’t offer much in the way of film-making. RED DAWN had zero personalities, and it isn’t much of a movie(except as Americans playing Viet Cong for a change).

    Milius’ problem was the self-contentment. He was like Hemingway or Kipling as sesame street muppet.
    There isn’t much in the way of demons or inner-conflict in his worldview or movies. So, even though Milius owes to Kurosawa and Peckinpah, he’s far less interesting. And not only because he’s a lesser craftsman but a more simple-hearted personality. Peckinpah’s movies are among the most conflicted ever made. There’s conflict between opposing teams, conflict within the team, conflict with oneself. That’s what makes THE WILD BUNCH so memorable. And MAJOR DUNDEE and STRAW DOGS. But take Milius’ DILLINGER. There’s a lot of violence but hardly any conflict. Dillinger is one cool dude, he whups everyone, and he’s one badass… until he gets killed. And Ben Jonson plays the good tough guy with bravado. Both characters fit snugly into their skins, reflecting Milius’ comic book vision of the happy world of tough guys.
    Milius had talent as a writer but he was better with moments than with over-arching story and structure. APOCALYPSE NOW has fine moments but the story is a mess, made more confused by Coppola’s pretensions. BIG WEDNESDAY could have been much better than AMERICAN GRAFFITI and its best scenes far outshine Lucas’ film, but it’s mostly self-indulgent with male camaraderie and falls apart as story-telling. All said and done, Milius’ forte was as script doctor than storyteller.

    Now, there is a contradiction in Milius’ worldview, but he never really explored it. He was for the Vietnam War but he also admired the Viet Cong as fierce warriors. In RED DAWN, American boys are the Viet Cong fighting foreign occupation. Milius loves the Aryan hero, the great white man, but he also respects the world of the primitives and its closeness to the wild that denudes and tests the repressed/dormant nature of the white man. But he was too jolly with the fantastic elements of the fable to delve into these contradictions.
    No wonder Oliver Stone was upset with what was done to CONAN. Stone has been more interesting as someone who is cognizant and reflective of his own contradictions. He has an imperial personality, one that swoons over the legend of Alexander the Great, but is a committed anti-imperialist. Stone appreciates the fantasy and myth but he’s knows reality, and it’s ugly and horrifying. In contrast, Milius is an armchair warrior whose heroic fantasies never left the bedroom of the eternal adolescent addicted to comic books. Thus, he could never be like Ken Kesey who, in SOMETIMES A GREAT NOTION, bridged the myth with reality. In the end, Milius remains in the realm of myth and myth alone.

    His richest work might have been the script for GERONIMO, but it was taken from him and rewritten to his disappointment. Still, directed by Walter Hill, it is an impressive work.

    As for Schwarzenegger, he made for an unlikely star. He was like the Muhammad Ali of body building. Most boxers have dull personalities, but Ali was a natural born entertainer. Same with Schwarzenegger. Watch PUMPING IRON, and most of the guys are dull as hell. Lou Ferrigno is BIG but just a papa’s boy. It’s as if the guys turned to expanding their muscles because their personalities were so lackluster. But Schwarzenegger is funny as hell and says hilarious things, like comparing weight-lifting with ‘cumming’. In a heavy sport, he had a lightness, a real charm, and he did put it to good use in cinema. Unlike muscle-men of past cinema, he was muscle and mind. Also, like Eastwood, he could be one helluva a minimalist, say much with little.

    But at some point, it all turned into conscious self-parody, which was unnecessary as parody was built into his persona.

    And then, he did a movie about being a pregnant man, and that has to be maggotiest thing ever. Can you imagine John Wayne, Lee Marvin, Robert Mitchum, or Steve McQueen walking around with a womb?

    • Replies: @Trinity
    , @SunBakedSuburb
  136. anon[231] • Disclaimer says:
    @GeneralRipper

    Rob Roy was overshadowed by Braveheart but it is the far better film.

  137. WSG says:
    @Priss Factor

    SHEEIITT!!! If his character were actually an orc, then he would most assuredly would have MUH DIKKED that naked White woman on sight.

  138. @GeneralRipper

    ROB ROY has excellent fight scenes. So does COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO by Kevin Reynolds.

    Maybe the most psycho swordsman in all cinema:

    And one of the most thoughtful films about the world of warriors is GOHATTO.

    For some reason, one of the most memorable duels is in BARRY LYNDON. Kubrick had a way of distilling the essence of something:

    ASHES OF TIME has a terrific opening though rest is just an exercise in style.

  139. anon[231] • Disclaimer says:
    @songbird

    Still, I do sometimes feel swords are overdone, compared to other weapons and fighting techniques.

    https://www.mysteriumtours.com/robert-the-bruce-and-his-battle-axe/

    See Outlaw King for some details.

    • Thanks: songbird
  140. Anon[354] • Disclaimer says:

    There is so much to say here. First, the original term ‘barbarian’ is not the same as the modern. What was the history foundation (yes, there is!) of the story? It is difficult to say because this history was falsificated. Who can be Conan? A member of indigenous Europeans who were subjected to genocide by primitive nomads from Russian steppes? More than 90% of them were killed and their women abducted. Remaining victims somehow recovered, and their descendants now live in Europe so as the children of raped ancient women. The later are today’s ‘westerners’ who continue the mission of their forefathers to exterminate their ‘regular’ step brothers, sometime even by using depleted uranium.

  141. Trinity says:
    @Priss Factor

    “Most boxers have dull personalities..” haha. I probably would say the same for actors but I have never actually met one other than Richard Crenna, the dude that played “Colonel Troutman” in those “Rambo” movies. Crenna was slightly inebriated and had a hard time getting in his hotel room when my friend helped him unlock his door. hehe. I was visiting my friend at the time.

    I came within 6 feet of Lizzy Taylor during the 100th Anniversary celebration of The Statue of Liberty. Meh, good looking for her age but not all that. My buddy claims to have met Kim Basinger during a drunken walkabout after he escaped from us at Dave’s 43rd Street Tavern. Said they were filming a movie, and he walked past the tape. Dude swears on it. Must have been 9 1/2 weeks at that time. Said Kim was right pleasant, and told him he had to leave after my friend asked her to come have a few drinks with the boys. Hell, the guy still swears he is telling the truth to this day. Kim being nice? Probably so since she is a Georgia Peach.

    Imagine having a beer with Tom Cruise? Good gawd, wouldn’t that be exciting. Oh, my buddies also swear to me that they ran into Matt Dillon at a bar called Kino’s on Nassau Street, it is now called the Nassau St Bar IF I am not mistaken. It was a bikini bar. Said the guy was pretty lame acting to say the least.

    I have a chance at hanging out with Tyson Fury or an actor? Not a hard decision to make.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  142. @Happy Tapir

    Maybe I will finally force myself to see it.

    Few yrs back, I finally forced myself to see PRINCESS BRIDE, and it was painful. But I can see why it’s a cult movie.

  143. Right_On says:
    @Chrisnonymous

    Charlton Heston as the dead El Cid was more convincingly alive than Biden is today.

    If The Bard is your thing, then Antony and Cleopatra (1972), a film adaptation of Shakespeare’s play, has Heston as a convincingly macho alpha male, albeit “the triple pillar of the world transformed into a strumpet’s fool.”

  144. Right_On says:
    @Joe Paluka

    As bad as the ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ series with the only difference being the attractive women

    Well, if we’re taking the cheesy route, the Sheena TV series had Gena Lee Nolin as the Queen of the Jungle. “Part animal, part legend, all woman”
    Damn, she was hot! hot! hot!

    • Replies: @dfordoom
  145. @Michael Fury

    The immortal Basil Poledouris.

    His best score may be for the goofball sci-fi-romady CHERRY 2000, one of the nuttiest accidents of Hollywood in the 80s. Silly as it is, it is more affecting than the far more elaborate BLADE RUNNER 2049.

    • Replies: @dfordoom
  146. @Catdog

    There were lots of sword and sorcery movies in the 1980s and I’ve watched most of them. CTB is one of the best. I would rank Dragon Slayer and Excalibur higher.

    Excalibur was outstanding, in a class of its own.

    For nothing deeper than pure fun, The Beastmaster was quite good too. Just going by the number of times I’ve watched it, I like it better than Conan.

    (Then again I also watched Sword of the Valiant a ton of times as a kid too, and I suspect most people would utterly hate that film.)

  147. @Priss Factor

    In most S&S, the sorcery part weakens the sword part. It seems like the good guys are cheating with the magic. In EXCALIBUR it’s different because the sword doesn’t countenance evil.

    It countenanced Uther well enough, and without his betrayal of the Duke, Arthur wouldn’t have even been conceived. Also, Arthur had lost fair and square to Lancelot, but then ‘cheated’ and won by drawing on the power of his sword – only to be rewarded with a fresh new sword after he broke it.

    So it’s not really the Excalibur’s refusal to do evil that makes the magic in Excalibur different, but rather the mysterious relationship – one never really spelled out – it has with the person of the king, the ‘Dragon,’ the land itself, and Merlin.

    Other than that, I agree that magic is a big problem in sword and sorcery. It works best when it’s the bad guys with the magical powers and the hero has to overcome it, even if by using a magical charm himself to help him even up the odds.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  148. @songbird

    Still, I do sometimes feel swords are overdone, compared to other weapons and fighting techniques. I wish there was a little more variety, even within Eastern cinema,

    Like nun chucks? If we’re talking 80s, that was like the ultimate wannabe tough guy weapon – instant 50% boost to your street cred as a tough guy if you could whirl the nun chucks around. I would love to see somebody actually trying to use that ridiculous weapon in a battle.

    • Replies: @songbird
  149. Pericles says:
    @Priss Factor

    Btw, CONAN THE DESTROYER, though plenty stupid, works better than the first movie because it has faster pacing and better editing. Milius’s movie is clunky and drags.

    I sure hope you’re trolling because that was one terrible movie, and if you’re not, I’ll never read your erudite comment-essays the same way again, lol.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  150. Pericles says:
    @Catdog

    I’ve been told Elric was designed as the anti-Conan by (((Michael Moorcock))). It sort of fits, Conan is strong and natural while Elric is weak and lives on drugs; Conan starts out a nobody from the wastelands who becomes king while Elric starts out as king and loses the job, and so on.

  151. @GeneralRipper

    There are quite a few right wing filmmakers, or atleast I feel so. John Milius seems to be one and surely Clint Eastwood(even though he is a Liberetarian).

  152. @Truth

    A very confusing movie, Gigli is. Try watching “Fire and Ice” for some real history of the past.

  153. songbird says:
    @silviosilver

    Well, my theory is that swords only began to predominate in more modern times. For example, gallowglasses in Ireland were known for their battle axes. A lot of soldiers had pikes, spears, or javelins. And various polearms were common, especially those that were cheaper to produce.

    But I would suppose that it is probably a lot harder to make realistic looking fight scenes with any of those weapons. I mean tell someone to swing an axe and to stop close enough so that it looks like they hit. Hard enough to do that, let alone make it look cool.

    One time, in elementary school for Halloween, I was ninja, and I brought a pair of nunchuks my brother had with a chain (short), and some dumb kid tried to get me in trouble with the principal for having a real weapon. Fortunately, the principal was an older guy who was not woke, and it was a pretty white environment, so he didn’t have to worry about kids bringing in weapons.

  154. Resartus says:

    I found “Pathfinder” as a movie interesting…
    As history, it’s something that could have happened…

    Pre-teen Viking saved from ship wreck,
    raised by American Indians…..
    Years later, more raiding vikings arrive….
    Boy/Man takes side of the Natives….

  155. Lord of the Dots

    • Thanks: songbird
  156. @anon

    “Road Warrior came out in the same year as Conan”

    Road Warrior, John Bormann’s Excalibur, and Raiders of the Lost Ark all premiered in the summer of ’81. Conan hit theaters in the spring of 1982. Another reason why I count myself lucky for attending high school in the 1980s. The culture was generating complicated, edgy, and completely heteronormative profiles of masculinity. Quite the opposite of what’s filling the heads of boys and young men today.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  157. @Pericles

    It is a stupid movie but better paced and edited. Richard Fleischer had ups and downs but was a more seasoned film-maker than Milius who never mastered the form.

  158. @Priss Factor

    “Peckinpah’s movies are among the most conflicted ever made.”

    Sam Peckinpah the tortured soul. Even his later films — The Killer Elite, Convoy, and especially The Cross of Iron — carried that torch even as the man himself disintegrated from his booze and cocaine addictions. The director’s cut of Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid is the perfect fusion of his art and psychological dysfunction.

    Your critique of John Milius is fairly accurate. His best film as writer/director is Farewell to the King with the great Nick Nolte. Milius is the author of another film with Nolte in the lead: Extreme Prejudice. It was directed by action craftsman Walter Hill, but the film would’ve been thornier and more interesting if Milius had helmed it himself.

  159. @silviosilver

    It countenanced Uther well enough, and without his betrayal of the Duke, Arthur wouldn’t have even been conceived.

    Not really. Uther earned the right to hold Excalibur AFTER he vanquished others without it.
    But he gave himself to lust and treachery, and he proved to be not the one. We see him wield Excalibur when he’s ambushed by enemy assassins, but it grants him no special power. Mortally wounded, he drives it into a stone.

    True, Arthur was conceived of treachery and ‘rape’, but the Arthurian World is far from perfect. Good arises from evil, evil from good. It’s like the Dragon is both a source of good and evil. As Merlin says, “there can’t be one without the other”, and Excalibur is part of that complexity. It is as much a tragic as a magic sword because, in the end, all men fail and all orders crumble. So, it returns to the lake… until others come to try once again.

    Also, Arthur had lost fair and square to Lancelot, but then ‘cheated’ and won by drawing on the power of his sword – only to be rewarded with a fresh new sword after he broke it.

    The sword breaks precisely because he called on its power for personal vanity than higher good. As Merlin said, “he broke what couldn’t be broken.” The sword is restored to him only because, unlike his father, Arthur is wise and reflective enough to understand his failure and self-betrayal. He is redemptive, therefore given a second chance.
    Still, the relation between Arthur and Lancelot is troubled because the latter pledges allegiance to Arthur in the belief that Arthur beat him fair and square. Thus, their friendship is based on both truth and falsehood. Truth in the sense that Lancelot is a man of honor and Arthur is man of justice. But also falsehood in that Lancelot, the greatest knight, believes himself to have lost to Arthur, a far weaker warrior.

    So it’s not really the Excalibur’s refusal to do evil that makes the magic in Excalibur different

    Excalibur can be possessed by evil men or men who do evil, but it remains inert. In their hands, it is just a sword and it comes ‘alive’ only when it favors the wielder.

  160. @Catdog

    “Sword and Sorcery stories are usually short and low-stakes”

    S and S stories are more grounded in human reality than epic fantasy. The male protagonists, usually thieves and mercenaries, are looking for the big score like the doomed detectives of noir. The way magic is used in S and S is also smaller and creepier than what occurs in Tolkien.

    • Agree: dfordoom
  161. @SunBakedSuburb

    Road Warrior, John Bormann’s Excalibur, and Raiders of the Lost Ark all premiered in the summer of ’81. Conan hit theaters in the spring of 1982.

    Their appeal has to be understood within the context of the time. Back then, video games were primitive. Today, kids play ultra-violent games with lively graphics. They don’t need dungeons-and-dragons movies to immerse themselves in blood and violence.
    EXCALIBUR and RAIDERS were both rated PG and accessible to kids; rather incredible for EXCALIBUR given its rape scene and bloody moments. (Ratings make no sense. An excellent movie for young ones, KINGS OF SUMMER, was rated R because it has kids drinking beer and saying a few cuss words.) In contrast, there was a ‘forbidden fruit’ element to CONAN because of its R-rating. So, kids under the age of 17 who watched it thought it was a big thing. Today, with kids having access to all sorts of sexual material via iphones, a movie like CONAN would have no special appeal. One kid who got to see CONAN recounted the sex scene with the witch in all its salacious details to googly eyed boys in the school bus. It sounded racy and sensational. These days, such would be no big deal as the web is filled with all kinds of images, movie clips, and etc. Another kid was like royalty because his family owned a video player and owned HALLOWEEN.

    I think ROAD WARRIOR stood the test of time(and is infinitely preferable to FURY TOAD). CONAN not so much. Schwarzenegger does look stunning in the role, but that’s about all the movie has: posing. It’s really a long promotion for body building. I had no interest in the movie when it came out as it seemed so cartoonish and watched it only around 2000 and thought it was okay. I shunned EXCALIBUR when it came out as it struck me as stupid dungeons and dragons, a genre I don’t care for but got interested when I read Pauline Kael’s review and discovered Boorman is one helluva director when he’s on fire. (But when Boorman’s off, he’s really off. His EXORCIST sequel is based on the search for the Holy Grail, and it is one silly movie, though Kael and Dave Kehr think it’s a visual masterpiece.)

    https://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/exorcist-ii-the-heretic/Film?oid=1072925

    https://cinepunx.com/exorcist-ii-the-heretic-is-the-best-and-worst-exorcist-movie/

    Me thinks many adults have positive impressions of CONAN because when they watched it. They were kids in the early 80s with limited access to sex and violence but were initiated into full dose of both with CONAN if they got to see it somehow. It wasn’t the kind of movie parents would have taken their kids too, but the early 80s saw the rise of the multiplex, and it meant kids could go from screen to screen as supervision was pretty lax. I got to see R-rated WOLFEN alone because of a sleepover at a friend’s house in the suburbs. We paid for some PG-rated movie, but my friend and his friend snuck into HEAVY METAL screening, and I watched WOLFEN instead.

    Adults who watch CONAN again will likely be disappointed. Sometimes, it’s best to leave memories alone. One of the movies that I totally loved as a child was an Indian flick about an elephant that sacrifices itself for its master. It was followed by what I remembered was a beautiful funeral scene of the saintly beast. It’s on Youtube and I gave a it peek, and it’s one dumbass movie, ruining my memories of the movie.

    It has one of the silliest fight scenes ever. And when the elephant sacrifices its life by coming between the gunman and the master, how could no one have noticed its presence in the room until the LAST MOMENT when an elephant is a BIG creature?

    For the most ridiculous fight scene: 2:22 of video.

  162. “The pagan religion of the Northern barbarians was a real force in society, but it was not an intellectual force and hardly a moral one in our sense of the word. It was an instinctive cult of natural forces which were blind and amoral, save insofar as war itself creates a certain rudimentary heroic ethos.”
    Christopher Dawson, Understanding Europe

    Crom! I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood against many. That’s what’s important! Valor pleases you, Crom; so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!

    • Thanks: SunBakedSuburb
  163. @syonredux

    I’m not that big a fan of the 13th Warrior. I’d replace it with Fritz Lang’s two-part epic, Die Nibelungen. Another good one is Bergman’s The Virgin Spring.

    Lang’s work is one of a kind, a masterpiece but not comparable to 13TH WARRIOR.
    NIBELUNGEN is clearly a work of myth that unfolds in a world of magic and mystery.
    13TH WARRIOR takes place in a world of nature, and what I love about it is how the characters are indistinguishable from their surroundings, nature and the paths and the village. They aren’t larger-than-life movie characters in some movie-world setting but very much creatures of the world they inhabit. Indistinguishable from it. There is an element of authenticity in the escapism.
    In contrast, CONAN, though set in an exotic world, is clearly about cartoonish characters in a movieland setting. It’s like playing with GI Joe toys.

    Texture matters a lot in cinema, and in that sense, 13TH WARRIOR has something in common with MCCABE & MRS MILLER despite the big differences. They are rich in texture in terms of the interwoven-ness of man and nature and the threatened semblance of community.

    And even though the warriors are tough men, they are not cartoonish pro-wrestling he-man types. They have human qualities, much like the characters in SEVEN SAMURAI.

    What I love about EXCALIBUR is it’s just on this side of myth. The magic is there but elusive and subtle, therefore never cartoonish or merely escapist.
    What I love about 13TH WARRIOR is it’s just on this side of reality. There is no magic but the belief is genuine and affects both the Muslim(with faith in Allah) and the pagan norsemen with fears of spirits and demons.
    That vague territory between myth and reality is most fascinating.

  164. @Mustapha Mond

    “Gonad the Vegetarian”

    There does seem to be a Gonad of sorts.

    https://archive.org/details/gonad-the-barbarian

  165. @Truth

    The fact that there are many half-white/half aboriginals in Australia shows that some men (especially when drunk) will impregnate anything. The type of white man who is attracted to Grace Jones would be swishy, liberal, weak guys that like to be dominated by anything black.

    • LOL: Truth
    • Replies: @Truth
  166. @Trinity

    I probably would say the same for actors

    Probably, but they are remembered for their roles. Without first-rate scripts and memorable roles, they are probably not very interesting.

    BROADCAST NEWS is about news media but could apply to cinema as well. A kind of Cyrano-effect takes place. Movie stars have the right kind of race, look, or style, but they have to be used by masters of words and narrative. Writers and readers.
    In that sense, there isn’t much difference between News and Entertainment. The switch-a-roo.

  167. Truth says:
    @Joe Paluka

    The type of white man who is attracted to Grace Jones would be swishy, liberal, weak guys that like to be dominated by anything black.

    It would appear that the polar opposite of that is true, Old Sport.

    Sven Ole-Thorsen:

    Dolph Lundgren:

    • Replies: @Trinity
    , @Commentator Mike
  168. Trinity says:
    @Truth

    Those guys could be closet “homersexuals.” Two strong, well built men with backgrounds in the martial arts does not mean you cannot be gay. Look at boxing great, Emile Griffith. People knew he was gay for years but it was kept on the DL. Anyhow, you have these guys taking a photo with Grace Jones, that proves diddly. All were in the movies so it is probably all for publicity or maybe they were making a movie together. Grace Jones not only looked weird, she was weird period.

    You bed down Grace Jones it is the equivalent of sleeping with a man. No NORMAL heterosexual White male wants to be near that thang while she is naked or in heat. And dat is da troof.

    • Replies: @songbird
  169. @Truth

    Show business is full of perverts, sickos, homos, pedos, adulterers. Why does anybody look up to these creeps or gives them the time of day?

    • Agree: Joe Paluka
    • Replies: @Jeff Stryker
  170. songbird says:
    @Trinity

    Lundgren is a Swede. Some percentage of Swedes suffer from extreme negrophilia.

    Another theory might be that he was trying to promote himself – he never became a big star compared to Schwarzenegger or Stallone. Though, I think the best explanation was that he was a Swede, or possibly a Swede influenced by steroids.

    • Replies: @Trinity
  171. Trevor Lynch:

    Just curious. Is something happening at Counter-currents? I just read this article there, and had typed a comment, and was about to post it, when I was told that the site moderator had banned my IP address. Now, I cannot even visit CC to read an article, let alone comment. Is this specific to me (and if so why)? Otherwise, has CC been hit by some kind of cyberattack?

    • Replies: @silviosilver
    , @Right_On
  172. Trinity says:
    @songbird

    IF he slept with that thang that is indeed an extreme case of negrophilia. Good lawd, how much would they have to pay the average man to do that one? And could the average man even rise to the occasion? Screw the career in Hollyweird, not worth that.

  173. Anyone watch HIGHLANDER? It became a cult thing.

  174. @Commentator Mike

    In Dolph Lundgren’s case, it would be that he was able to drop his chemical engineering degree & become a film star after becoming Grace Jones’s bodyguard allowed him to enter film starting with View To A Kill, where Roger Moore befriended him on the set.

    It paid more. Significantly.

    And depending on a person’s money situation, should they live in a low-cost area they might meet lowlifes anyhow.

    • Replies: @Commentator Mike
  175. @Jeff Stryker

    And depending on a person’s money situation, should they live in a low-cost area they might meet lowlifes anyhow.

    No, entertainment is as valid as any other endeavour but it does seem to attract certain types, or they are then corrupted by others once they enter the milieu. And it is increasingly becoming subtle, or not so subtle, propaganda and brainwashing. But all this celebrity worship and putting them on a pedestal like some new aristocrats does get to me. In the old days real aristocrats didn’t think of entertainers as being much better than prostitutes, although they may have enjoyed their shows.

  176. dfordoom says: • Website
    @Right_On

    Well, if we’re taking the cheesy route, the Sheena TV series had Gena Lee Nolin as the Queen of the Jungle. “Part animal, part legend, all woman”
    Damn, she was hot! hot! hot!

    The original Sheena, Queen of the Jungle TV series had Irish McCalla as Sheena. And she was pretty damned hot as well.

    And don’t forget Tanya Roberts as Sheena in the 1984 movie.

  177. dfordoom says: • Website
    @Priss Factor

    His best score may be for the goofball sci-fi-romady CHERRY 2000, one of the nuttiest accidents of Hollywood in the 80s. Silly as it is, it is more affecting than the far more elaborate BLADE RUNNER 2049.

    Cherry 2000 is indeed very silly at times, but it’s an awesome movie in its own way. And yeah, in its own way it does pack a surprising emotional punch. It manages the difficult feat of being silly and cheesy and at the same time provocative and intelligent.

    Movies really were better in the 80s. Cheesy 80s movies tend to be cheesy in a good way.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  178. @Lord Shang

    The same thing happened to me. In my case, I just assumed that I had been banned from the site itself, since I have been banned from commenting for years now. (I’m not even sure if it’s technically possible to ban someone from visiting a site, tbh.) But rather than worry about it, I just went to the archive.is site. Copy the url of the article you want to read, paste it into archive.is and presto.

    • Replies: @Right_On
  179. @dfordoom

    Cherry 2000 is indeed very silly at times

    The silliness is intrinsic to its strengths. After all, it is a parody of everything from Westerns to Sci-Fi to Adventure movies and etc. It plays with all them like toys but buried beneath all that is a real gem of pathos.

    • Agree: dfordoom
  180. TheMoon says:
    @Catdog

    I had that idea to save the Start Trek franchise (well, maybe). An anthology series taking place both in and out of the Federation. Any characters that catch the fanbase’s fancy can come back for more episodes.

  181. Steve D says:

    The only film based on the works of Howard that does justice to them is Solomon Kane. Howard wrote a handful of stories about this Puritan adventurer who encounters and overcomes truly evil creatures in his wanderings. Unlike the Conan films, this film portrays evil (and how it can seduce) very believably. Max Von Sydow has a small supporting role.

    • Replies: @anon
  182. Right_On says:
    @Lord Shang

    I was told that the site moderator had banned my IP address
    The same thing is now happening to me. Let me know if you find a fix!

  183. Right_On says:
    @silviosilver

    The same thing happened to me. In my case, I just assumed that I had been banned from the site itself, since I have been banned from commenting for years now.

    I’ve noticed myself that Greg Johnson doesn’t take kindly to robust criticism of his views!
    I also can no longer even view the site. I’m getting an “Access denied” message.
    The owner of this website (www.counter-currents.com) has banned the autonomous system number (ASN) your IP address is in from accessing this website.
    Without being able to see what stories have been posted, your archive.is fix won’t work.
    Let me know if you are able to sort it!

    • Replies: @silviosilver
  184. You know, I really don’t get it. Why aren’t you reviewing films from this century, like Apaclypto, Blood Father, Dragged Across Concrete, Brawl in Cell Block 99, Bone Tomahawk, Machete I and II?

    Who cares about the films you review? An old gummer in a rest home?

    I don’t get it. How old are you? 100?

    • Replies: @Truth
    , @Tom F.
  185. Truth says:
    @restless94110

    LOL, Screw, weren’t you writing one time about something that happened with a black woman at a call center you worked at “back in the 70’s?”

  186. LOL

    lol? What is funny?

    But to answer your question: Nope

    But answer this: who cares?
    And 2nd: What does some call center have to do with 21st century feature films?

    Give it a rest.

    • Replies: @Truth
  187. Truth says:
    @restless94110

    And 2nd: What does some call center have to do with 21st century feature films?

    a call center you worked at “back in the 70’s?”

    I don’t get it. How old are you? 100?

    • Replies: @restless94110
  188. Smith says:

    Conan the Barbarian (1982) is one of the world’s greatest movies.

    This movie is life.

  189. @Truth

    You worked in a call center in the 70s and are 100 years old? Wow. Now that really is Too Much Information. I may not be able to sleep tonight.

    A word or two of advice: watch out for black chicks.

  190. Smith says:

    One more thing, I bet my ass nobody here can tell me the answer to the Riddle of Steel.

    Which is stronger, flesh or steel?

  191. @Right_On

    Yeah, I just use the TOR browser to access the site now.

    And yeah, lol, how fragile can you get to actually block people from even visiting your site. What a clown. (Pity, because his views are generally pretty solid. He just has this bizarre fascination with esoteric rightwing stuff – Savitri Devi, garbage like that, which totally detracts from the otherwise reasonable and presentable views he espouses.)

    • Replies: @Right_On
  192. I know nothing about the original Conan comics and ain’t interested, but the movie is clearly ersatz-Germanic mythology. If Greco-Roman culture is intrinsic to Southern Europe, the classicism that had profound influence on Northern Europe was actually ‘alien’. Northern Europeans — the Germanics, Celts, and Slavs — had their own indigenous cultures, customs, lore, and mythology. But because Northern Europeans were relatively backward, the South influenced the North far more than vice versa. So, over time, even Northern Europeans knew more about classical Greco-Roman mythology more than the indigenous folklore and native mythologies, most of which were destroyed and recovered only because of the few textual remnants in Iceland and the like. (Cultural Genocide upon the North was near-complete.)
    This was especially because of the spread of Christianity. Because Southern Pagan culture was so glorious and advanced, the New Faith couldn’t wipe out all the vestiges of pagan-ness(though at times, it tried, smashing countless pagan temples and altars). In time, Christianity and Paganism fused in the South. But because Northern pagan culture was far more backward and deemed dark and primitive, almost all of it was wiped out and replaced by the New Faith. Thus, even though the South got Christianity first, its ethos and spirit affected the North in a more purist way. Christianity in the North was engraved on a blank slate.

    But with fading of Christianity, rise of archaeology, emergence of nationalism & need for indigeneity of narratives, anxiety about nature in face of rapid industrialization, influence of Romanticism, and etc., there was a rediscovery of the Northern Pagan roots, conveyed in the most inspired manner by Richard Wagner’s operas. Wagner finally provided the Germanic myths what they had been lacking all along, as Edith Hamilton said. According to Hamilton, the Norsemen didn’t produce a Homer or Virgil to turn the myth into the stuff of art, but then Wagner went one better with words and music. If ever an artist came close to being a prophet.

    http://legacy.owensboro.kctcs.edu/crunyon/e261c/11-Beowulf/from_edith_hamiltons_mythology.htm

    Heracles notwithstanding, it seems Greco-Roman heroes rely more on wit and speed whereas Germanic ones rely more on muscle and brute force. THE CLASH OF THE TITANS came out a few yrs before CONAN. Lots of critics liked it, but it was actually pretty bad. Its special effects were poor even by the standards of its time. (Only Maggie Smith is halfway interesting.) Oddly enough, it’s worse than the effects in JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS(much better movie) made nearly two decades earlier.

    CLASH was remade in 2010, and even though it’s mediocre, it is better than the original. It at least has some decent special effects. It also has a more interesting twist on the story. It’s gods vs men than gods and men. Remake suffers from a lackluster Perseus. Sam Worthington plays the hero like a Marine grunt. A man with a mission but no personality.

    • Disagree: Catdog
    • Replies: @silviosilver
  193. Tom F. says:
    @restless94110

    Dragged Across Concrete, Brawl in Cell Block 99, Bone Tomahawk

    I loved all these movies, S. Craig Zahler, represent! Quick point of information, ‘Dragged Across Concrete’ was titled in reference to a unfavorable critic describing the experience of watching ‘Bone Tomahawk’ with a runtime of 132 minutes. Love it, Zahler embraced the dis and turned it.

    Second tip: newish film from Denmark (in Danish) called ‘Shorta’ known as ‘Enforcement’ in the U.S. One of the coolest films in this genre I have ever seen, reminds me of ‘The French Connection’ and ‘Dragged Across Concrete’ with a twist at the end that even reviewers don’t register. But fans of White Nationalist action films will.

  194. @Tom F.

    Right on.

    I was excited to see to see the three Zahler films. How wonderful! And a new respect for Vince and Mel (on top of my immense respect already for Mel).

    Thanks for the recommendation of Shorta/Enforcement. I will try and find it.

    And thanks for the interesting tidbit on the title. I don’t think I’m so sure that the director/creator changed or named the film because of a criticism of his first film, but it’s interesting nevertheless.

    Finally although I do believe that White people should be proud of themselves, I don’t see any of these films as White Nationalist per se.

    These are simply good, even great, films. Stories told very well. That they are not racialist or feminist or politically correct according to the current totalitarian conformity, does not automatically make them White Nationalist.

    Be careful of putting yourself and others in some kind of box. We are just people speaking truth of the human species. We are not White Nationalists. We are human beings.

    • Replies: @Tom F.
  195. Right_On says:
    @silviosilver

    Thanks for that.
    TOR sounds like the future destination for all of us soon!

  196. Hodad says:

    One MUST read the original REH Conan stories, just as one must read Tolkien. Forget the movies, for simply do not compare.

    • Replies: @Smith
  197. @Priss Factor

    CLASH was remade in 2010, and even though it’s mediocre, it is better than the original.

    Not in a million years. The remake was so weak I couldn’t even finish watching it. The original, though hardly great cinema, is at least enjoyable.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  198. Smith says:
    @Hodad

    Disagree.

    The Conan 1982 movie is worthwhile on its own, not needing to read the books even.

    It’s a movie about the strength of man, and this message universally applies to all races.

  199. Feryl says:
    @Trinity

    Can confirm on the Born Losers. It’s much more sincere and better acted than the usually dreadful biker exploitation movies of the 60’s. And the thug biker gang registers very well; the leader is smart, “cool”, and charismatic, but a sociopath who manipulates mentally and/or morally deficient people into doing his bidding. That’s really how any cult, extremist group, or criminal entity operates, is it not?

  200. Tom F. says:
    @restless94110

    I don’t think I’m so sure that the director/creator changed or named the film because of a criticism of his first film

    No need for uncertainty, easy enough to look up.

    I don’t see any of these films as White Nationalist per se.

    Really. Bone Tomahawk. Brawl in Cell Block 99. Dragged Across Concrete. Hmm. Let us think…who were the good guys in each, and who were the bad guys…

    Your line reminds me of Vince Neil’s unforgettable self-assessment, “I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, per se.”

    • Replies: @Resartus
  201. Uh, so your logic is: if a White guy is in a film it must be White Nationalist? Breathtaking. Hey, ace, who ended up winning (and alive) at the end of Dragged? Hint: a black guy.

    Your line reminds me of Marty Neil’s unforgettable self-assessment: ” I don’t think I’m a moron, per se.”

    P.S., Hey, papa, don’t tell me or anyone else to “go look it up.” Look it up and put in the link to what you looked up. Papa, Don’t Preach, um kay?

    • Replies: @Tom F.
  202. @Tom F.

    BONE TOMAHAWK question.

    Since the cannibals were played by white actors (The lead was a Polish American) did the film suggest that there were people in the Americas before the Indians?

    The Apache calls them troglodytes but they are not, they are big, muscular, athletic white men. Nothing inhuman about them. They have all the intelligence of an average human.

    They are also racist, as they don’t eat black people.

    So what were the filmmakers saying?

    • Replies: @Tom F.
  203. Odin13 says:

    You understood nothing of the movie. You missed all of the symbolism. You lack the knowledge to see the the true meaning of the story, which has nothing to with ” paleo-masculin bla bla bla”…

    The story of Conan the Barbarian, as told by Milius, is the story of the soul, who finally frees itself from reincarnation, by overcoming the lies of the Snake. It is the story of the Ubermench.

    The movie DOES begin with a quote from Nietzche…

    Conan means ”to drive”, or ” will” in Hebrew. It also means ” to establish, to build” depending on the spelling you use. ( כונן )

    In the first scene of the movie, when his father forges the sword, there is a scene where he holds the sword in the air, and you see that it is an masonic obelisk… Then his father gives him a speech about air,water, fire and earth, with a deeply archetypal background.

    He then proceeds to turn the Darma Wheel for years, as a slave, which makes his strong…

    His sidekick ‘s name is subbotai. Subbotai was Genghis Kahn’s general…

    I could go on and on. Esoteric symbols are everywhere in this movie, for those who have eyes to see. The scene where Conan cuts off Tulsa Doom’s head is one of the most meaningful and deepest scene I have ever scene in any movie.

  204. Resartus says:
    @Tom F.

    who were the good guys in each, and who were the bad guys…

    Better question “WHO IS THE AUDIENCE”……
    You pander to who you think are going to fork out money for your work…..

  205. Tom F. says:
    @restless94110

    LOL! Nothing provokes anger more than denial of unearned entitlement.

    You are receiving information from me, not the other way around, so don’t doubt me without stating why. If you disagree, and are truly a fan (“How wonderful!”) and understand storytelling, you will easily find this information that seemingly baffles you, Cluster B. Umkay?

    • Replies: @restless94110
  206. Tom F. says:
    @Jeff Stryker

    Polish stuntmen can really take a bump, check out the dome dings in their (inevitable) mugshots or crazy-eyes headshots. They played the Indians because their thick fingers cannot fit the cowboy trigger guard.

    American Indians bred out the baldness gene, rightly seeing bald heads as a sign of weakness and impotence. The filmmaker is saying ‘don’t eat blacks because they are poisonous’ as Chicory/Richard Jenkins rightly surmised, and if you are BIPOC stay away from the white man’s firewater.

  207. @Tom F.

    LOL! Nothing provokes anger more than denial of unearned entitlement.

    Dude. You are laughing out loud? At what?

    And who is angry about anything?

    And what exactly is unearned entitlement?

    What the hell are you talking about? It sounds like gibberish.

    I mean seriously. What are you talking about?

    You are receiving information from me, not the other way around, so don’t doubt me without stating why.

    I am receiving soothing from you. .Information? Information like where is the nearest 7-11 store? Dude, what are you talking about? Are you snorting Parmesan cheese off your bedroom rug?

    If you disagree, and are truly a fan (“How wonderful!”) and understand storytelling, you will easily find this information that seemingly baffles you, Cluster B. Umkay?

    What am I disagreeing with and whom? What information should I find? Who the fuck is Cluster B.?

    Are you ok? Seriously? You present as nuttier than grandma’s Christmas fruitcake.

    In short, what the devil are you talking about?

    You are a perfect example of why insane asylums should have never been closed. Nurse Rathet wants you to go into multiple sessions of therapy.

    Good luck, boobie. If you ever become coherent? Let’s do this again.

  208. A black version of movie pests would be totally riotous.

  209. Smith says:

    Just re-watched this movie last night.

    Felt awesome, what a blood pumping movie, the action was quite the best ever, clear, bloody and precise.

    Aside from the philosophical question, this movie explores the historical-mythological background of the germanic, and in extent, their neighbors, the mongolian/asian.

    Trevor Lynch asks why they make Conan’s sidekick “yellow”, never mind that germanic people like Conan used to live right next to the mongolians before they are forced to migrate deeper to Europe! It makes total sense.

    There’s also the contrast between the germanic god like Crom, which is the quissential warrior-god, and the god of the Sky (i.e. Tengri whom we call Ông Trời in Viet Nam) in Mongolian/asian faith, both preach a more proactive action-based faith where praying matters less compared to the with the abrahamic-cult like behaviour employed by Thulsa Doom with huge amount of worshipers where belief matters more than action.

    And James Earl Jones is the whitest motherfreaking black dude I’ve ever seen!

    • Replies: @Truth
  210. Truth says:
    @Smith

    And James Earl Jones is the whitest motherfreaking black dude I’ve ever seen!

    When you finally leave Greenland for the first time, it’s going to be an eye opener…

    • Replies: @Smith
  211. Smith says:
    @Truth

    That ain’t white looking.

    I’m also not in Greenland, btw.

    This is how James Earl Jones look in Conan:
    https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/conan/images/7/79/Thulsa_Doom.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20131011084726

  212. Tom F. says:

    You are laughing out loud? At what? And who is angry about anything? And what exactly is unearned entitlement? What the hell are you talking about? It sounds like gibberish. I mean seriously. What are you talking about?

    LOL! Really leaning into your ‘Histrionic PD’! So confused! Much easier for you to feign Pernicious Ignorance than admit you do understand very well. There, there…*pets dome crown, soothing* Take a note from a real actor on how to ‘drama queen’ in this 7-second primer.

  213. Anonymous[409] • Disclaimer says:
    @dfordoom

    Sad but true. We could really use a higher standard of film criticism here than Lynch’s inane axe-grinding.

  214. @dfordoom

    The rule is as follows. If the work is great, focus on the aesthetics regardless of ideology. Discuss politics as a secondary feature.

    If the work is artistically inferior, it’s more rewarding to dwell on its sociological significance.

    • Replies: @Anonymous
  215. Anonymous[206] • Disclaimer says:
    @Priss Factor

    It’s more like: “If the critic is great, he focuses on the aesthetics regardless of ideology…If the critic is inferior, he’ll find it more rewarding to dwell on sociological significance.”

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